Untriggered - For Moms Who Struggle with Anger_with Amber Lia

In this incredibly uplifting and informative conversation, UnTriggered author Amber Lia shares encouragement for every mom longing for freedom from anger and the self-condemnation that often accompanies it. This sixty-day devotional touches on heart issues like releasing comparison with other moms, becoming a results-free mom, resisting comparison of children, gaining confidence in listening to the Holy Spirit, embracing the gift of motherhood, and more. Packed with spiritual encouragement, UnTriggered also includes easy "put it into practice" steps.

Quote: 

There is so much opportunity for hope to move forward. I mean, my kids, they I don't think they remember those early days at all when I was so triggered. You know, they don't remember who that mom even is. And I know that for some of us, our kids are older, but but first we have to allow God to forgive us. He is so gracious. He says in Psalm one zero three, he talks about how he remembers that we are but dust.

And he looks he looks at us with compassion as a loving father, that our sins are as far as the east is from the west, he says. And so receiving that grace from the Lord and then being so full of that that it overflows for ourselves. The enemy's gonna want you to replay all of that. And that's when we just have to take those thoughts captive and say, nope. I'm clean. I'm forgiven. And all I can do now is the next right thing with my kids. I can make progress with them.

I can bring healing, and I can pray through that and trust the Lord. But don't give up on it. It's never too late. There's never too much damage. There's nothing beyond God's healing hand. So do not despair.Find Untriggered Book and all of 

Find Untriggered and all of Amber Lia's resources mentioned in this episode at:

AmberLia.com

DON'T MISS THIS SPECIAL SALE PRICE: $1.99 EBOOK:

 MOMS RAISING SONS TO BE MEN 

Order and Please share this link with your friends.

Thank you for joining us. Please SUBSCRIBE & SHARE
Sign up for Rhonda's Monthly Newsletter @ NoRegretsWoman.com
CONNECT with Rhonda @RhondaStoppe
Facebook Page: Rhonda Stoppe No Regrets Woman
NoRegretsWoman.com

"This podcast is for the purpose of mentoring only and is not a replacement for therapy. We suggest you seek out the help of a trained biblical counselor for help with your specific situation.”

Transcript

Rhonda Stoppe [00:00:00]:
Hey, friends. I am so excited to have you join us today because my friend, Amber Leah, is in the house, and Amber wrote a book called Untriggered. She's actually kind of the triggered lady. She has lots of books about being about triggers, and I'll let her talk to you about those. But I am just very excited that we are going to visit with her today. Amber, her deepest desire was to be a good mom, but frustrations and anger often undermined her mothering. She was overwhelmed and recurringly triggered. Along with anger, she felt shame and discouragement, but she knew she wasn't alone.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:00:37]:
She started an online group for moms with similar parenting triggers. She quickly discovered that thousands of moms felt just like her. Thank God he is able to restore weary hearts. In Untriggered, Amber shares encouragement for every mom longing for freedom from anger and self condemnation that often accompanies it. Yes. Can I get a witness? This sixty day devotional touches on heart issues like releasing comparison with other moms, becoming a results free mom, resisting comparison of children, gaining confidence in listening to the holy spirit, embracing the gift of motherhood, and more. It's packed with spiritual encouragement. Untriggered also includes easy put into practice steps, which I love that.

Amber Lia [00:01:27]:
And so thank you so much for letting me join you today just and have this conversation with you, Rhonda, because I'm telling you, I think the need is really high for encouragement in this area because moms are so hard on themselves, and we are often triggered. And I used to question, like, is it even possible to feel like I'm thriving as a mom and to be untriggered? How do I handle my anger and my frustrations? And and the the story isn't over yet. I'm still right in the thick of the parenting. So this is gonna be a a good time together.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:01:59]:
Yeah. So tell me the age of your boys.

Amber Lia [00:02:01]:
So I have a testosterone, for boys. We have, yeah. Also, Ollie is almost 18. He'll be 18 in just a a couple weeks. And then we've got Quinn, who is 15, and then Oakley is 13, almost 14. And then Quaid is eight. He's my little happy surprise. Yeah.

Amber Lia [00:02:19]:
Ten years ten and a half years later situation. But, yeah, they're all very unique and yet have their, you know, similarities, and every day is a surprise.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:02:29]:
Yeah.

Amber Lia [00:02:30]:
But it's good.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:02:31]:
It is. And you guys moved from California, which is where I am, to Tennessee. You're in Chattanooga area?

Amber Lia [00:02:38]:
So we moved to Chattanooga Three Years ago, and we had just kinda felt a stirring that we were supposed to make a move, and we weren't quite sure where to go, but we were praying about it. And, you know, talk about being triggered. I think even transitions like that. Some of your, you know, listeners probably are in the middle of a big change. Maybe with the summer coming, it is a season of change. You know, school's ending. People are, you know, moving. It's a popular time to move before, you know, school begins in the next year.

Amber Lia [00:03:06]:
So that was, a big change for us, and and it had its share of challenges, but it's been a really good option for

Rhonda Stoppe [00:03:14]:
us to

Amber Lia [00:03:14]:
meet during

Rhonda Stoppe [00:03:14]:
the time. You put your kids in school. Right? Weren't you homeschooling in school?

Amber Lia [00:03:18]:
Yeah. That's a

Rhonda Stoppe [00:03:18]:
big change.

Amber Lia [00:03:19]:
That was a big change for us too. Yeah. They've been in traditional school now the last couple years, and, that's been a good change. And I take it year by year. It's possible I'll be homeschooling one or two in the fall. So we just sorta, you know, take it as it comes. Mhmm.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:03:34]:
And didn't you graduate from the Master's University?

Amber Lia [00:03:38]:
I did. I so I went to the Master's University for my bachelor's in English. I was a English teacher for ten years. Actually had taught sixth grade, elementary school for, my first two years teaching, and then went into, Grand Canyon University for my master's where I got my master's in leadership and educational administration. You know, Rhonda, that's one of those things because I had been waiting a long time to be married. All I ever wanted was to be married and have kids. I wanted to be a mom. That was, like, my main goal.

Amber Lia [00:04:08]:
Had no intention of, you know, writing books or going into ministry or any any other thing, but I thought, well, I I'm I I apparently am not supposed to be married yet. I was getting close to 30, and so I went and got my master's degree while I was teaching and thought I'm gonna be ahead of school or some such thing. And then I met my husband, of course, and and started a family. And then I got angry, and here we are.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:04:34]:
And, you guys tell us about my kids went to master's, so that's my my our connection there.

Amber Lia [00:04:40]:
Yeah.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:04:40]:
My son-in-law graduated from their seminary, and actually they lived on campus for many years and worked as she was an RD, and then he was an RD. And so, yeah, they were on there for a long time. So

Amber Lia [00:04:51]:
fun connection. Yeah. Good memories to that that time there.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:04:54]:
Your husband have a production company. Correct?

Amber Lia [00:04:57]:
Yeah. We do. So when I met my husband, Guy, he was working in the entertainment industry, and we sort of felt like this calling that we wanted to create content that honored God and was also entertaining and super high quality. And so we launched into starting our own production company and have had a lot of fun with that. It's, you know, it's a a long journey, an arduous journey where, you know, it's very inconsistent being in the entertainment industry. And so we have walked through a lot of faith in our work in Hollywood, but it's been a blessing too. God's allowed us to do some really fun things and meet some amazing people. And, ultimately, we just are like, okay, lord.

Amber Lia [00:05:38]:
We're open handed. What do you want us to do next? But through all of that are the consistent, you know, normal frustrations and things that you deal with in life, especially as a parent. Our kids have always been really first. You know, we wanted to put our kids, to be really intentional with them regardless of anything else we do, which which is why I feel felt so much guilt and shame when I would get frustrated because I thought, you know, everything I do, whether it's TV, film, writing books, whatever, I really wanted it to be a blessing to our family. And then I felt like I wasn't being a blessing to my family.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:06:14]:
So then let that brings me to my first question. What inspired you to write untriggered for moms who struggle with anger and frustration in parenting? And was there a defining moment that you could say this is what led me to address that topic?

Amber Lia [00:06:29]:
You know, since the year February, I have committed to reading through the Bible. And before you get impressed, just know that I use a bookmark because I don't necessarily get to my portion of reading every day. Sometimes it takes me a year and a half to get through it, but I'm really committed to reading through the bible because I've always been pretty desperate for Jesus. You know, I I realized early on that if I was going to really have a life that is life to the full, like Jesus said he came to give me, I needed to be just completely abiding in the vine. I needed to be in his word and living by it. And I love the Lord with all my heart from a young age. So then when I had kids, it was such a shock to me because I had been a really great teacher. I was really calm and patient in the classroom.

Amber Lia [00:07:17]:
And then when my first son was born, I was home with him, and he had severe colic. He had terrible reflux. He never slept. And I just felt like this really incapable person all of a sudden. Like, I didn't know who I was. And then I had three kids, four and under. And because I had waited a while to be married and have kids, I was kind of the only one in my friend group at that stage of life at the time. So I didn't feel like I had a lot of other people to, like, call on.

Amber Lia [00:07:45]:
And I just remember one day my husband leaving for work, and it was just total chaos. And I I was snapping at the kids, and I just was kinda miserable and not myself. And I I loved my children so much, and I just didn't understand why I couldn't get my head on straight or get my act together. Why was everything so setting me off so easily? And a neighbor came by and knocked on the door to return something, and I just thought, oh my gosh. I wonder if they overheard me, snapping at my kids. And, you know, after they left, I just sat down and I just told the lord. I was like, I this is not how I wanna be anymore. It's not right.

Amber Lia [00:08:20]:
I know it's not my kids. I know this is me. And so, lord, please transform me. Please help me. Help me be untriggered. And he showed up, and I shaped up. And it took some time, but I felt the lord, you know, asking me to raise my hand because this is not a, you know, glamorous topic, Rhonda.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:08:38]:
Right. Right.

Amber Lia [00:08:38]:
Talking about, but I was like I was like, Lord, if you want me to try to destigmatize this topic and encourage other moms, then I'm willing because there is such hope to be had.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:08:49]:
And and I think just when people are genuine and real about the struggle, it opens a door for others that think they're the only one. Right? That they're behind those closed doors. They go to church on Sunday. They see everybody's kids in matching outfits and everybody's smiling and everybody's Instagram posts are so happy and they think I'm the only Christian mom that's losing my lunch because I can't get this this anger under control. And so even just, you know, we comfort others with the comfort we ourselves have been comforted, but it takes courage to say, me too. Right?

Amber Lia [00:09:28]:
It does. But, you know, I I felt so much love for moms like me. Yeah. I really did. I my heart, my compassion for moms and dads, honestly, who struggle with this, was stronger than my need to protect my dignity.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:09:45]:
Yeah. Yeah.

Amber Lia [00:09:46]:
Nice. And that's really just how I try to show up, you know, all the time. It's like, look, I get it. I've been there. You are normal.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:09:54]:
Yeah.

Amber Lia [00:09:55]:
And we are all we all struggle with the flesh, but confessing it, admitting that this is an issue is what brings us toward healing. Mhmm. And the scripture talks about that, that there's healing in confession when we confess ours in. And so I knew that for me, that was necessary, and I hope that that encourages others to let their guard down and maybe get some of the help that they need and the encouragement that they need to.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:10:19]:
Well and hormonal imbalances. Right? Like, I was pretty chill until I had my third baby and was postpartum, and then I had PMS that I had never had. And I was shocked how I would trigger from just a loud noise. It was just like, who am I? And I did not know who I was. So speak to that a little bit.

Amber Lia [00:10:39]:
And, you know, I think the thing with that too, Rhonda, is that we we are not talking about this enough. We don't talk about these different things, the internal triggers, you know, the things that are going on inside of us, like the hormones or the external ones. Like, maybe I'm just under a lot of pressure at my job, and so I, you know, taking that out on my kids. You know, there's so many different things that can trigger us, and we aren't prepared for them. And that's part of what I'm hoping to do with my ministry and with this book, you know, that that short devotional to just set our mind in the right place. Because when your mind is focused on what is true and good and pure and lovely, when you have the word of God just being poured into your heart and mind on a regular basis, that's very specific to your immediate felt need as a mom or, you know, as a parent to then be able to be like, okay. This is my daily commitment. You know? For the next sixty days, I'm gonna work on this.

Amber Lia [00:11:31]:
And that's really how the Lord changed me, is he took, like, one trigger. He took this topic of anger, and he just helped me zero in on it and and really lean in with the lord and the holy spirit for transformation in that area of my life. And he was faithful. And so I hope that that encourages, a lot of moms that, yeah, whatever your triggers are, you can master them. They don't need to master you.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:11:58]:
So that's what I love about this resource is it is a sixty day of transformation for moms who struggle with anger. You literally can hang out with Amber for sixty days and speak to what it is that you're struggling with. That that's the value of what I saw as I read through this book. So, is there ever a time when anger is justified in parenting and how can moms discern between righteous anger and destructive frustration?

Amber Lia [00:12:29]:
It's such a good question because, you know, a lot of us feel like it's justifiable. Right? This anger that I'm feeling. Like, what am I supposed to feel when my child is being extremely disrespectful or talking back? Or my kids are arguing over who gets to, you know, sit in the front seat of the car or that their brother took their keys and, you know, junked the car up and and didn't clean it. You know, whatever the case may be. There's all these different things at any moment. Like, we can literally live in a state of being offended and triggered on a regular basis if we wanted to. Mhmm. And some of that really is valid.

Amber Lia [00:13:05]:
But I think the difference is is that it was a big light bulb moment for me when I realized that my kids were really not sinning against me, they're sinning against God. And we have a mutual enemy in Satan that is the source of all of that and our tempter and our destroyer. And so he's the one that we should feel angry toward. Like, honestly, how dare you mess with my child?

Rhonda Stoppe [00:13:32]:
Yeah.

Amber Lia [00:13:33]:
And so now my role is to not direct my anger at my child, but to direct it at our mutual enemy, which is Satan. And instead, I can meet my child with empathy and compassion. And listen, I still don't always do that well. Right. You know, when my child is in the middle of a sinful situation, oftentimes, I am calm and I can be kind. But there's plenty of times when, you know, I still struggle with this. But just remembering that, look. I I don't really need to be angry at my child.

Amber Lia [00:14:03]:
I can be righteously angry at at the sinfulness of the situation, but my anger is directed toward the sin of the world and toward Satan. And I have an opportunity now when I'm triggered to speak with loving kindness, loving consequences when appropriate, and clear communication and compassion, but I don't need to be angry at my child and direct my anger toward them.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:14:29]:
Which is what we do. Right? Yes. And then you see your your words just crush them or you see them withdraw or they trigger back. Right? Because, you know, Jesus said the student becomes like his teacher, not like his teacher teaches him to be, but like he sees you be, and they trigger back. So I read one story in the book that I kinda wanna see how you handled it. When your son came in and you told him I need you to mow the lawn before you go hang out with your friends, and he politely told you, no, I'm gonna go take a nap instead, and he went upstairs. So help us see what you did in that situation.

Amber Lia [00:15:03]:
Yeah. So, you know, this is this is one of those times in life in your parenting where it's also really helpful to know and understand, like, the developmental norms of your children in your in their age and stage. Like, you can Google that. Like, what's a normal, you know, mode of expression or reasonable expectation for chores or expressing themselves at age two versus 10 versus, you know, 17. Right? And so my teenager, he we had an expectation for him, you know, to mow the lawn, and, usually, he's pretty compliant. So when he's just like, I'm gonna go take a nap, and he just walks up the stairs and goes and takes a nap, shuts the door, like, right basically in my face. It was, like, shocking because that was not like him typically. And so those are the moments when you have to remember, like, holy spirit, give me discernment when I feel triggered.

Amber Lia [00:15:56]:
Because there is that first reaction. Like, my body physically reacts at times like that. Like, I my my back stiffens, and my hands start going towards my hips. Right? And my eyes get real wide, like, what just happened? But then there's this quick holy pause, you know, this calm. And it's like, you know what? This is not a teachable moment. He's clearly tired, right, exhausted. And he's a teenager. So in this age and stage of life, there's a lot of hormones going on.

Amber Lia [00:16:22]:
Who knows what somebody maybe said to him at school or friend issue he's going through or whatever? It's really not about me in this moment. Like, his objective is not to just be defiant toward me. I know that there's probably something else going on there, and he needs to take a nap. And then I can teach him about this later. We can talk about it, address it later when he's kind and calm and when I can be kind and calm. And so, you know, let him take the nap. And then before I could even address it with him, once he was well rested and came back to me, you know, Sometimes there's a a relevant thing, like, okay. I appreciate your apology because he did.

Amber Lia [00:16:59]:
He apologized right away, you know, and I understood what the situation was. He explained to me what was really going on. And I can overlook offenses sometimes. Right? And scripture tells us that. It's to your glory to overlook an offense. And so there's a time and a place for that, and there's a time and a place for saying, you know, I really receive receive your apology. And then maybe a consequence is also merited. But it's really just having that discernment.

Amber Lia [00:17:24]:
And what I've really learned to do when I'm triggered is to not feel like I have to deal with everything right now. Right in that moment when he's highly emotional or exhausted to just take a holy pause, gather my wits about me, breathe, let him do what he needs to do, and then I can circle back.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:17:39]:
Okay. And then we're gonna take a little pause on untriggered, and I'm gonna talk about your book Marriage Triggers because I feel like this touch on that even in a marriage situation.

Amber Lia [00:17:49]:
Yeah. And, you know, this is so important when it relates to our triggers in marriage as well, especially if your personalities are very different. You know, my personality is I wanna get things, you know, I wanna address the issue right now and move on with with my husband. And my husband is much more kinda laid back. He doesn't like it when I come frontally and and wanna discuss something, especially if he's not really prepared for the conversation. And so we can really exacerbate the triggers between each other as a husband and a wife if I don't take time to pause for a second. I think there's a this urgency oftentimes in our relationships to deal with things right away, and I think that that's a mistake. We're supposed to be quick to listen and slow to speak.

Amber Lia [00:18:35]:
And so slowing down, listening more, taking time to actually ask my husband questions, you know, instead of making an assumption, taking the time to make sure the timing is right. Just using again that wisdom and discernment. It relates to kids, but it's just equally important in our marriages too.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:18:53]:
Right. And I think of even the way you handled your son's situation. Like, we're raising, you know, I'm mom's raising sons, lady. We're raising our sons for her. For whoever his wife is gonna be, we're raising him to know how to come back and apologize when he responded in a disrespectful way or in a way that was unloving. So that when you have that in your mind too, instead of just, you know, how dare you and it's like, wait wait, Lord. I wanna I wanna use this as a teachable moment for his relationships outside of just mine and his. Right?

Amber Lia [00:19:30]:
Absolutely. And and we've done a lot of intentionality in teaching our kids how to apologize because we want that to be very healthy when they're married and they're speaking with their future wives because we don't make excuses. We don't give a bunch of reasons why. We just own our part. Like, I I want them to be focused solely on what was your responsibility in this situation. So it's, look, I was I I've said the wrong thing. I should not have snapped at you like that. I am I apologize.

Amber Lia [00:20:01]:
You know? Will you forgive me? And that's it. And then oftentimes, there is healing to explore, like, what was that about? You know? Because it's still healthy to understand that, okay, this person was tired or whatever. But the apology itself is just very pure and and and simple and heartfelt and really taking ownership. And I want my boys to do that, to take full ownership, to be able to come back around and apologize for all of their relationships. And you know what? If they're gonna be adults who live that out, they have to be kids who practice it.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:20:33]:
That's right. And that's the wisdom and discernment in the you only get them, what, eighteen summers, and then they're they're out there living in a dorm with their roommate. And if they haven't learned, right, when we we're talking about hormonal imbalances, and I have daughters also. And I can remember telling my youngest daughter when she would cry or she would get upset with somebody something. And I would say, you're hormonal and you're you're crying and you're emotional, but you're trying to find someone to blame so you have a reason to cry. So you have a reason to be upset or angry. It's no one's fault. Your hormonal levels are not balanced, and don't try to find someone to blame for why you feel this way.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:21:14]:
And that to me, women, you do it to your husbands all the time. You're hormonal, and he comes in and he doesn't take out the garbage or he doesn't, you know, fill in the blank. And so you found something to trigger about when in reality, just back up and be able to say, I'm hormonal. I need to hold my tongue. I need to not speak. I always tell women, wait three days. If it still matters in three days, have the conversation, but don't just don't just pounce because how often I did that and came back later and be like, I it doesn't even matter to me. It just mattered that day.

Amber Lia [00:21:48]:
Yeah. And I think too, one of the the things that helps with all the triggers is and to end relationships in our home is we'll take something that is a a family, you know, mantra. Like, we'll say, look, in our home, we are peacemakers. And we'll attach a bible verse to that. You know, as far as it depends on you, be at peace with everyone. And so for me, like, if I recognize that we're just the tone of our home is just more triggered than usual. Everybody's kinda at each other's necks, or there's just a little bit of chaos, or our schedules are too busy in a season, or there's the hormones going on. Right? Then that's a time when I slow down and I'm like, okay.

Amber Lia [00:22:28]:
We've gotta focus on what does it mean to be a peacemaker. So when we're triggered, we're often, like, trying to deal with the problem as opposed to being more proactive and say, well, what does it look like to be peaceful? What does it look like for me to be a peacemaker toward my husband when I'm feeling all these hormones? What does it look like to be a peacemaker among siblings? Right? And so to really be intentional about that and to talk about that frequently with my children, you know, at breakfast or, hey, just send them a quick text message. You know? Hey. I just want you to know I'm praying for you as we talk you know, as we're leaning in to be at peace with each other in this season. Thank you for being a peacemaker. You know? Or I notice I I try to highlight the times when I see my kids doing something that's peaceable. You know, they when they do have a good reaction or a response, the more mindful I am and intentional I am about what I want to see and what we want to live out as a family, the less triggered we will be.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:23:26]:
Right. Oh, that's so good. So on, page 24, you say this, one of the greatest kindnesses we can do for our children is to shield them from our stone storms instead of showering them in our stress and anxiety. So give us some practical steps moms can take to guard our children from the weight of their emotions while still being honest about their struggles.

Amber Lia [00:23:51]:
I know this is kind of a buzzword, but Rhonda, I really believe that self care, taking care of ourselves Mhmm. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually is so important. You know, we as women, especially we pour out so much. We're very nurturing and we can get to a place of emptiness pretty quickly.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:24:11]:
Mhmm.

Amber Lia [00:24:11]:
And so having that time with the Lord, you know, taking time to journal your emotions, taking time to go on a walk. You know, I walk one of my kids to school every day and and then back again in the afternoons. I could easily drive, but I'm intentional to walk because I know my body needs that release of just stress. I need to

Rhonda Stoppe [00:24:34]:
build Mhmm.

Amber Lia [00:24:34]:
Those healthy hormones in my system. So doing all of those things to take care of you so that, you know, when you're in those moments where you're starting to be triggered, you're less opt to just lean in on it. And so that includes all these storms of other things that are going on that have nothing to do with my kids. You know? If I'm dealing with the responsibilities of my job or the home or finances or a relationship that is strained or friendships that I have that I'm struggling in, and they have nothing to do with my kids. It's so easy that now they come and they ask me for one more thing, and then I just snap. Right? And it has nothing to do with them, and I I overdiscipline, or I, you know, overreact. And so we're to shield our kids from those things. And if we are not taking care of ourselves, acknowledging these things and doing healthy things to process our own emotions, It's why I went on a health journey, you know, seven years ago.

Amber Lia [00:25:32]:
I I lost 95 pounds, and I'll tell you, Rhonda, that was a big part of my parenting journey because I needed to get control of myself. I needed to stop the sugar addiction and all the things that were also causing reactions that had nothing to do with my kids. They were my own choices. All of that was me learning to deal with my triggers and my own weaknesses so that I could shield my kids from that in a healthy way.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:25:55]:
Yeah. And you have a book out called Food Triggers, and you also have a course. You wanna talk about that on your website?

Amber Lia [00:26:02]:
Yeah. Sure. So I yes. So my my health journey, you know, going into seven years now, I really just felt like the Lord was saying to me, Amber, you are managing your triggers pretty well. We've come a long way, but you're still turning to food. And I want you to keep turning to me. And I did not feel condemnation about that. I felt God's, like, loving conviction.

Amber Lia [00:26:25]:
Like, Amber, it's it's time for you to release this food addiction issue that you've got going on here. And it was radically transformative for me, so much so that, you know, I became a health coach, and that is a big ministry for me. And my Food Triggers book is really the result of years of coaching clients and my own health journey through what are, like, kinda 31 common issues people deal with. And, really, it was my heart for moms and dads because I wanted them to take care of themselves in this parenting journey. It's hard. And it's a really loving conversation. There's no judgment or shame about it at all, but it's really about, look at take care of yourself. Here's how.

Amber Lia [00:27:05]:
And please allow your health to be a way for you to grow closer to the Lord. This is how you turn from these reactions. Because while food wasn't an angry reaction, it was a reactionary response to stress in my life. And I want to always be turning to the Lord in those moments, not to food, not to anger. I wanna turn to him and go closer to him through this process. And he's been very faithful to me in these areas of my life.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:27:31]:
So great. So they can go to your website, and they can find your course. Right?

Amber Lia [00:27:35]:
Yep. At am at amber leah dot com. You can find the food triggers course there. There's a video course that walks you through it, and you'll hear more of my story there and resources to all my books. And there's some free resources in there as well.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:27:49]:
Yeah. And I've just watched we have a mutual friend, Trisha Goyer. I've been watching her as she leaned into your program, and Yes. It is a blessing. So and, again, no shame, no guilt. Someone has to be ready if when they're ready to deal with that. I think you wrote just the other day in one of your posts that it was two and a half years before

Amber Lia [00:28:07]:
Yes.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:28:07]:
He was like, okay. I'm ready. But that's Yeah. God's time also. Right?

Amber Lia [00:28:12]:
Absolutely. I mean, Trisha Goyer, she's amazing. If you don't know her, you gotta follow her too. She's a good friend of ours, Annette. Yeah. She's lost, I think, 90 pounds, something around there now, and it's kept it off for a couple years now, and it is doing great. So Yeah. It's a blessing.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:28:26]:
That's amazing. So good. So good. Okay. Let's get back to untriggered. You gave some practical, intentional strategies for moms, And do you wanna share one specific way that a mom can shift her response to a biblical approach when she feels anger rising? And then also talk about personality differences between moms and children and how that just can create tension.

Amber Lia [00:28:48]:
Yeah. So something really practical that I did when I was like, okay, Lord, you know, please Jesus take the wheel because Yeah. This is not working, is that I chose very intentionally to not look at all the triggers and all the things that were overwhelming me at once because overwhelm is a choice.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:29:06]:
Yeah.

Amber Lia [00:29:07]:
And so I was like, I'm gonna take what is the thing that bothers me the most where I feel most upset, and I just dialed in on that one issue. So practically speaking, just take one thing that is most prominent for you. Take a bible verse and attach it to it. So whatever the issue is, find a verse that applies. Like, if you're just quick to say things that you regret, maybe you need to take a Bible verse about the tongue. Right? Or about slowing down or, you know, whatever the case may be. And I would take that verse and I would write it on a card and I would put it on my steering wheel and above the sink where I was doing dishes, on my desk at work or the classroom, wherever. And I would meditate on that verse.

Amber Lia [00:29:47]:
And I would just begin with, like, lord, let this be true of me. You know, let this verse be true of me. Transform me, like, asking for his help. Like, please don't underestimate the power of prayer. It really is so important. And then I would also, invite my kids into that, and I would tell them, hey, guys. I don't like the way I talk, and I'm asking the lord to help me. I'm learning this verse, and I just want you to know that I'm working on this.

Amber Lia [00:30:14]:
And I apologize to my kids. Like, I'm sorry for the things that I've said, and I want your forgiveness. And kids tend to be very, very gracious, right, and very forgiving. Mhmm. And then I got practical. I would just ask the lord, like, lord, help me out. So if I was really impatient because no one's ever getting out the door on time and I noticed that it's because the shoes are never located easily, then I would get a basket. And everybody's shoes just go in the basket when we come in the door.

Amber Lia [00:30:39]:
You know? Just looking for what's a really logical way that I could navigate this issue and asking the lord for wisdom. He's going to give it to you. But just take one thing at a time. That's one of the most important things. And then you asked Rhonda about personalities.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:30:54]:
Personality differences, how that can trigger.

Amber Lia [00:30:57]:
Yeah. So, you know, your family is going to have its own unique personality. Mhmm. And I think that's important to know to know because, you know, you're gonna have whatever children you have, your spouse, whoever else may be in your home, that's gonna make up a very unique dynamic. And so I think it's important to really celebrate our unique personalities because we can often be critical or we can compare. Right? We can compare our kids to each other, to ourselves because they're very different from us or to another family that we see on social media and how everything looks so lovely. And then we start becoming really, really discontent. And that is just a very slippery slope to being triggered because instead, we we need to keep in mind that God designed us intentionally and purposely for a reason, that we have that unique personality and we can celebrate it.

Amber Lia [00:31:51]:
You know, it's a good thing that my child is so laid back. You know? They're gonna god's gonna have a purpose in that. I hope that parents realize this. Like, your child does not have to look or be like you or anybody else. Celebrate what God designed in them, how God created them, and find ways to foster and nurture their strengths. And when they do have weaknesses, then we get to be like, you know, a coach, a loving coach that comes alongside and encourages them in the right direction. But it's okay if their personality is different from yours. Look for ways to celebrate it and to highlight it as a blessing and not a burden.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:32:28]:
Yeah. And there's a quote in my book, Moms Raising Sons to Men, that it says, how do your sons grow up to be best friends? Celebrate their differences. Never comparing them, always celebrating their differences. So on page one seventeen in your book, you talk about oil and vinegar dressing and anger and gratitude. Gratitude and praise create ideal conditions for loving connection. I just I just love that. You wanna expound on that a little bit?

Amber Lia [00:32:53]:
You know, if we're it's very difficult to be angry and thankful at the same time. Right? So having this attitude of gratitude on a continual basis, I have started I have a little journal, and I just each day, I just put a you know, what are a couple things I'm thankful for just from the last twenty four hours? What's something I'm thankful for at large? And just recognizing that I can actually create in my home a a cover of gratitude and thankfulness. That is going to mitigate a lot of our angst and our chaos and our triggers because so much of the conflict is because we're being self centered. You know? My kids are fighting with each other over something, or I want my way and I want you know? Or they can take the highway. You know? And it's just kinda this mean spirited tone that can start to creep in. And so instead to, like, really focus on gratitude because, honestly, Rhonda, we have so much to be thankful for. I think we often even just forget the joy of our salvation.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:33:52]:
Yes.

Amber Lia [00:33:52]:
We get bogged down by our triggers, all the problems, the things that we think are not going well, and we forget, like, how much the Lord has already done for us. And when we can focus back on, you know, salvation, on gratitude for even that, it quiets our spirit. You know, our soul just kind of softens. It's like, yes, there is so much to be thankful for. Like, what am I so upset about?

Rhonda Stoppe [00:34:15]:
Yeah.

Amber Lia [00:34:15]:
And so having that attitude of gratitude is great because it's really hard for the anger and the triggered state to commingle when you're full of gratitude and appreciation.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:34:24]:
Mhmm. Alright. The last thing I want you to talk about, this was on page one fifteen of your book where it says, what if I've already done too much damage to my child by my anger? What if she will not forgive me? Parents replay the worst parenting moments and the shame we feel when you lose control or see the hurt on in children's eyes is heartbreaking. Talk to that mom that's like, I've done this for so many years. My kids are never gonna get over, you know, and I'm not talking about abuse. If you're in a situation where you're abusing your child, you need to get help today. Yes. Absolutely.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:34:57]:
You need to give them help immediately. You can go to, the, find a biblical counselor, biblical counselors dot com. Find a counselor in your area. You can go to my website on my homepage, focus on the family. You can find a free counselor there to get the ball rolling. So if you are in a place where you know you are being abusive to your children, don't just keep hiding it thinking you're gonna do better. There is help for you. But for those of us that are just like, I just it's too late for me.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:35:29]:
Encourage those moms.

Amber Lia [00:35:31]:
Yeah. So, you know, I will say first of all that kids even of any age and stage can be very, very forgiving. They are very gracious. But there is it's never too late. The end of the story is never written until the the last day, you know, when we're with the Lord. And so have some hope about that. It's never too late to just do the next right thing. And you can make a lot of headway in, you know, forgiveness and restoration with your children when you come to them in humility.

Amber Lia [00:36:02]:
But there is so much opportunity for hope to move forward. I mean, my kids, they I don't think they remember those early days at all when I was so triggered. You know, they don't remember who that mom even is. And I know that for some of us, our kids are older, but but first we have to allow God to forgive us. He is so gracious. He says in Psalm one zero three, he talks about how he remembers that we are but dust.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:36:26]:
Yeah.

Amber Lia [00:36:27]:
And he looks he looks at us with compassion as a loving father, that our sins are as far as the east is from the west, he says. And so receiving that grace from the Lord and then being so full of that that it overflows for ourselves. The enemy's gonna want you to replay all of that. And that's when we just have to take those thoughts captive and say, nope. I'm clean. I'm forgiven. And all I can do now is the next right thing with my kids. I can make progress with them.

Amber Lia [00:36:56]:
I can bring healing, and I can pray through that and trust the Lord. But don't give up on it. It's never too late. There's never too much damage. There's nothing beyond God's healing hand. So do not despair.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:37:08]:
I love that. I would love for you to give us any final words for the mom that that needs to be encouraged by you. What would you like to say?

Amber Lia [00:37:17]:
Listen. You are not alone, and you're not a bad mom. Even in your triggers, it's hard. Parenting is hard, and not a lot of people tell us about these, you know, more challenging moments with our kids. And there's a lot of layers to it, But you also have resurrection power within you through the Lord. That is incredibly powerful. Do not feel like you cannot change because that's limiting God. God is able to do exceedingly abundantly beyond all you could ask or imagine.

Amber Lia [00:37:53]:
But start with confession, own own where you're at, get help if you need to and some support and encouragement. Read the devotional, You know, untriggered will bless you. It'll give you practical steps, but it's gonna bring a lot of healing to your heart and your soul. And be excited about what's next. Because when you do get to a state where you're untriggered, there's so much blessing in this privilege of being a mom. There's good things ahead.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:38:20]:
I love that. And where can they connect with you? What are some resources you would suggest that they pursue through your website?

Amber Lia [00:38:28]:
Yeah. So you can find, actually, there is a, a number of resources at amberlia.com, both my books, my video courses, as well as some free resources there. And you can connect with me on social media as well at amber leah for Instagram and on Facebook.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:38:47]:
Great. Okay. Well, I've really been encouraged by you. Over the years, I've watched your kids grow up, and I I have just enjoyed watching your little boys turn into men and watching the journey that the Lord has taken you on. I mean, even your weight loss journey and then your coaching journey and and just so much fun watching the Lord just direct your path and chart the path ahead of you and be your rear guard. So would you close us in prayer, please, over this topic that I know moms are raw and need the encouragement.

Amber Lia [00:39:18]:
Yeah. Raw is a good word. I would love to pray, Rhonda. And thank you so much, friend, for, you know, being a voice to encourage so many families. So let's pray. God, I do thank you that you never give up on me and you never give up on these listeners right now. You've not given up on them, Lord. You love us unconditionally.

Amber Lia [00:39:38]:
There's nothing that we can do or not do that would cause you to love us more or less. God, I just thank you for your infinite grace and loving kindness, Lord, that you draw us with. Lord, would you help us when we struggle? I know Lord that you want our families to be an example of the loving kindness that you have in relationship with us. So Lord, would you let that be true of each one of us listening? Help us to grow, to be untriggered, to be peacemakers, Lord, to do the next right thing. And Lord, I just pray for your wisdom for each listener and for your guidance, Lord, that anybody who is struggling with guilt and shame and feeling raw, Lord, would you just lift that burden from them right now? Help them to lay that down right at the foot of the cross, Lord Jesus. Mhmm. And help us to walk free. In Jesus' name.

Amber Lia [00:40:32]:
Amen.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:40:33]:
Amen. Amen. Thank you so much. So much hope in what you shared today. Everybody, find AmberLia.com. There's a wealth of resources and a friend that can walk with you through some things that she has experienced and has found help and hope and I know she wants to help you also with your eyes on Jesus. And again, if you do not know Jesus as your Lord and savior, if you stumbled upon this because somebody hashtag angry mom and you're like, that's me. The hope is not in us pulling ourselves up by our bootstraps to try harder.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:41:07]:
The hope is in our relationship with Jesus Christ. He came died on the cross offered his blood as a sacrifice to purchase us for his treasure to wash our sins like Amber said earlier as far as east is from the West to to give us a new heart to create in us a clean heart And that is where each of us that's where our hope lies. So if you wanna know more about how to have a relationship with Jesus, please contact me through my website noregretswoman.com, and I would gladly send you an article how to have a relationship with Jesus. And we're cheering you on because we know the moms we would be without Christ. We know the marriages we would have destroyed without Jesus and we know where our hope lies and we know it's there for you also. Oh, and you know before I go off, I'm gonna say share this episode, Put this out on your own social media. Honey, behind closed doors, you don't know the friends that are struggling with anger triggers, and you don't know someone who needs to hear this particular message. So it may not be for you, but it may be for somebody.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:42:10]:
So but share this in your own stories or your own social media and let Amber help people that don't you may not even know need the help. And, friend, before I sign off, I wanna let you know about a special deal for my book, Moms Raising Sons to Be Men, guiding them toward their purpose and passion. It is marked down to a dollar 99 for the ebook starting today, May 20 through May 27. $1.99 for the ebook version of Moms Raising Sons to be Men. Stop right now. Go grab a copy. Buy it for a friend. What a great summer read this would be.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:42:47]:
You could even do a book club, and everybody could have a copy for $1.99. You could even do a Zoom meetup and go through these chapters through the summer. Please help me get the word out. Let your friends know $1.99 for the ebook version of Moms Raising Sons to be Men. Thanks so much. You guys have a great day.