What S*X with You Means to Your Husband with Rhonda Stoppe

Rhonda Stoppe reads excerpts from her book: The Marriage Mentor Becoming the Couple You Long to Be. Grab the ebook for only $1.99 (Promo Price ends soon).

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"This podcast is for the purpose of mentoring only and is not a replacement for therapy. We suggest you seek out the help of a trained biblical counselor for help with your specific situation.”

Transcript

Excerpt Chapter 7 - The Marriage Mentor:

All He Wants is S*x When You Long for Romance

Rhonda Stoppe [00:00:00]:

Hey, friends. Rhonda Stoppi for Old Ladies Know Stuff. Thanks so much for joining me on this podcast episode, and I'm actually recording it early because I'm traveling next week for a speaking engagement in Birmingham, Alabama. And I didn't wanna miss getting this episode up in time because I wanted to tell you about the marriage mentor, Becoming the Couple You Long to Be is on sale for a dollar 99 for the ebook if you grab it on Amazon, and it's only the week of Valentine's Day. So if I wait to do this, podcast next week, which I normally air it on this first and third Tuesdays of the month, you would miss that sale, and I don't want you to miss it. The marriage mentor becoming the couple you long to be. There's Steve and I on the back right there. What we're gonna talk about today is what does s* x mean to your husband? I cannot tell you how many couples my husband and I have counseled with, and this is an area that they struggle.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:01:01]:

And this book, we wrote this book to be a mentor to you. It's stuff that we have walked people through in our office as biblical marriage counselor as my husband's a pastor. And it's interestingly enough, someone who I know very well that I've known for so long that was having some issues in their marriage and they said, why doesn't the church talk more honestly about this topic? Why doesn't the church address this topic in a way that we need to hear it? And I'm like, well, we we did. If you read our book, did you read chapter seven? Because it's in there. And it's funny how many times people just don't wanna pick up, a resource. So because you have not picked up this resource, I am going to read to you the chapter entitled all he wants for s* x when you long for romance. I'm not gonna read the whole chapter, just the highlight portions of it. And because I don't know how, YouTube or, the person that hosts my podcast handles it when you say that word, I'm going to use the word intimacy to replace it.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:01:55]:

But you're just gonna have to know, wink wink, what I'm talking about. So I didn't want anything to interfere with this being, shared or I didn't want it to get shut down. So let's step into this book, shall we? All he want is intimacy when you long for romance. As young adults, Tim and Karen met at church. Karen says from the moment he walked in the door, Tim was the guy every single woman had their eye on. With a twinkle in her eye, Karen told me how delighted she was the first time Tim's gaze met hers across the crowded sanctuary. And with that gaze, Tim became the object of her affection. Karen said, since Tim was a bit awkward in his pursuit, I helped him out by finding reasons to talk to him or sit by him at church, you know, to encourage him to pursue me.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:02:43]:

Karen said as she smiled, the day I watched him casually saunter across the room to take the seat next to me was the day all the single women knew this guy's off the market. While they were dating, Karen remembers how difficult it had been for them to keep their hands off of each other. To keep their commitment to remain s* xually pure until they were married, Tim and Karen determined not to spend time alone. This meant long talks on the phone, going to coffee shops, walking hand in hand at the park, and lots of other fun activities. Karen recalls, I seriously couldn't wait to give myself to Tim in our marriage bed. And since I was also motivated before marriage, I was convinced that I would enjoy intimacy with my husband after marriage. The honeymoon did not disappoint Tim or Karen, and they thoroughly enjoyed the marriage bed for the first two years of marriage. But then Karen took on a job that required her to stay stand on her feet all day, and Tim's schedule brought him home late in the evening.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:03:48]:

Their intimacy life took a back seat to everything else. Karen remembers thinking, I know we should go to bed together more often, but I'm just so tired. And Tim doesn't seem to mind. He never says anything anyway. As time passed, Tim and Karen found themselves becoming less and less intimate, both in the bedroom and in the way that they related to one another. Every night, Tim came home and he would plop down in front of the television while Karen busied herself scrolling her phone. What Tim and Karen did not discuss was how unfulfilled and lonely they were feeling in their marriage. Whenever Tim approached Karen for intimacy, he felt as though she accommodated him out of obligation, but not because she wanted him intimately.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:04:39]:

And since Tim never seemed to pursue her romantically except when he wanted to take her to bed, Karen secretly resented Tim's advances. Does Tim and Karen's story sound familiar? I wish I could say it's not the norm for married couples, but sadly, in this scenario, it's more common than you might think. What does lovemaking mean to your husband? Most women understand that men have a strong physical desire to make love to their wives. So why do wives make their husbands apologize for wanting s* x? I think one reason is because a woman's need for intimacy is emotionally driven. We wanna feel loved, desired, and beautiful. But when it seems as though a husband's desire for intimacy is merely physical, it becomes so easy to wrongly assume that they are acting selfishly and even resent it. But what gets overlooked is the fact that a husband's sense of well-being and confidence is very much wrapped up in the intimacy he enjoys with his wife. For example, as a woman, you likely find great fulfillment in your marriage bed.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:05:56]:

I'm gonna read that again. I read it wrong. For example, as a woman, you likely find great fulfillment in your marriage relationship through conversation. You might expect your husband to find satisfaction in that as well. But the truth is that while men do enjoy talking with their wives, most men don't find the same fulfillment in a conversation as women do. Your husband's god given need did you hear me? God given need to connect with you physically means just as much to him as good communication means to you. Neither of you are wrong. You're just wired differently.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:06:33]:

By design, God made you to feel emotionally connected with your husband through conversation, and he made your husband to emotionally engage with you through lovemaking. The trouble comes when both husband and wife look past the other person's needs and refuse to give what the other person longs for in hopes of coercing their spouse to meet their own need. This is always a recipe for disaster. Make no mistake, refusing to satisfy your husband's deepest need until he gives you the romance that you desire will only serve to erode the loving environment you so desperately long for in your marriage. What do you suppose Jesus would advise wives to do when it comes to ministering to her husband's needs? Matthew seven twelve says, Jesus said, so whatever you wish the other would do to you, do also to them. One key way to to reflect God's perfect love to others is to treat them the way you want to be treated. In the same way you want your husband to learn how to meet your emotional need for intimacy and romance, God wants you to be willing to learn and understand his emotional need for lovemaking and determine to satisfy his need, whether he ever meets your need or not. I have a headache.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:07:59]:

What I see is the primary reason that women withhold intimacy from their husband is selfishness, plain and simple. Not tonight. I have a headache. Seems to be a common response of wives when a husband shows interest in lovemaking. When you say not tonight to your husband, you're rejecting him. He feels the rejection and he will respond in a number of ways. Commonly, when husbands feel rejected, they will recoil or they will grow agitated or even irritated. Husbands do not want to beg their wives for lovemaking, said one podcaster host that I recently was interviewed on his show.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:08:36]:

He went on, if I get a shot if I get shot down too many times, I'll stop asking. Even though I really want to take my wife to bed, the fear of her choosing her pillow over intimacy with me is just something I am not willing to experience again and again. Wow. Right? How many men feel rejected and misunderstood when their wives, who are super busy doing great things all day long, don't save enough energy to enjoy them in the marriage bed? I know saying it's selfish for a wife to withhold intimacy from her husband may cause the hair on the back of your neck to neck to bristle because the stuff you do all day is likely for everyone else but you. But when you make it a point to prioritize your day so you're not too tired to be with your man, he will see that as a selfless act of love. Choosing to consider your husband's need for intimacy with you over your own desire to get a ton of stuff done by the end of the day is truly selfless. And in the end, when your husband and when your kids see that your priority is your relationship with their father, you will give your children a sense of security and well-being that they won't find from having a Pinterest perfect house. Does that make sense? Preoccupation with self.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:09:57]:

Because of our sin nature, the basic problem all people have is preoccupation with ourselves. In short, every sin results from this preoccupation. When you're selfishly devoted to yourself rather than god and others, in this case, your husband, you're going to resist giving them what they need. And without Christ's help, you can never reach a standard of selfless love on your own. I mean, let's be honest. It's only through Christ's love that a wife can move toward her husband when resentment or exhaustion might turn her away. He just wants you to want him. To help you gain insight into how much men really want to be wanted by their wives, one survey revealed that 74% of men said they would not be satisfied if their wives offered to be intimate with them all they wanted, but they did so reluctantly or simply to accommodate their need.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:10:53]:

Shanti Felden, author of the book for women only, love that book, shares this insight, quote, as much as men want intimacy, most of them would rather go out and clip the hedges in the freezing rain than make love with a wife who appears to be responding out of duty. If she's just responding because she has to, he's being rejected by his wife. Consider the painful words of this truly deprived husband. We've been married for a very long time. I deeply regret and resent the lack of intimacy of nearly any kind for the duration of our marriage. I feel rejected, ineligible, insignificant, lonely, isolated, and abandoned as a result. Not having the interaction that I anticipated prior to marriage is like a treasure lost and irretrievable. It causes deep resentment and hurt within me.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:11:49]:

This, in turn, fosters anger and feelings of alienation. I tear up every time I read that quote from that husband. When you mistakenly view your husband's need for intimacy as some sort of primal urge to be satisfied from time to time, you are missing the true ministry that God has given you to affirm your husband's deepest emotional needs through lovemaking with you. Did you know that when you pursue your husband in the marriage bed, you have a profound influence on him in all areas of his life. Men tend to struggle with feelings of inadequacy and loneliness. When you find your husband s* xually desirable and he feels loved for who he is, then you fill him with a sense of strength, well-being, and confidence. Men are more confident and alive when they are enjoying a healthy lovemaking experience on the regular with their wives. One husband says, what happens in the bedroom really does affect how I feel the next day at the office.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:12:52]:

Another wrote, intimacy with my wife is a release of day to day pressures, and it seems to make everything else better. When your husband says he feels better after having an encounter with you, you would be wise to understand he is not simply talking about the physical pleasure of experiencing lovemaking. He may never be able to put into words the effect making love to you has on his emotional well-being, but it really does impact him in a big way. You just watch and see if the results aren't reflected in your husband's confidence and overall satisfaction with life. How does your husband define romance? Hopefully, this chapter is helping you understand that when your husband desires intimacy, he's not just looking for a physical release. He's longing for romance as well. So if most men truly are closet romantics, let's look at what speaks romance to your man. Remember when you were dating, how did you spend time with him? Did your husband sit across the room from you and read poetry or sing songs that he wrote just for you and gaze into your eyes? Probably not.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:14:03]:

Or maybe he did if you married some artsy kind of guy. Anyway, I imagine your courtship was hours spent there playing as a couple. If you are like most women, the talking and listening you experienced from your husband to be filled your romantic tank. By contrast, the times that you played together with your husband may likely have been what ranked number one in his romance chart, which brings me to the first activity most men men find romantic, play with your husband. What does he like to do? What act activities did you enjoy together when you were dating? Did you hike, play golf, go fishing? If joining your husband in those activities filled him with a filled up his romance tank, then most likely, it will do the same today as long as, get this, you go along to enjoy his company, not to invade his solace or nag or complain about everyday issues that he might be trying to escape through his playtime. There's a chapter in in the chapters called the day I became a biker chick, but I'm gonna skip that. Secrets of great intimacy in the marriage bed. What if you don't enjoy lovemaking? You're not the only one who has ever wondered about this.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:15:11]:

Well, this book is not meant to tell you how to have a great lovemaking experience. I have written an ebook entitled A Christian Woman's Guide to Great S*x in Marriage. You can find it on my website, noregretswoman.com. It's on Amazon. And if you message me that you heard this podcast, I will send you a free audio version of that book. I'll let you know I'll let you in on a little secret. The longer that you take to enjoy lovemaking in the marriage bed, the more your body will prepare for an incredible experience. While amidst the busyness of life, quickies are often important that they could help us connect with our spouse.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:15:49]:

Don't forget to make time for marathons once in a while. As women, when we go without, intimate satisfaction for a period of time, we tend to forget how much we like it. While the opposite is true of men. So taking the time to create great lovemaking encounters will make you want more of those experiences. If you don't enjoy lovemaking, perhaps perhaps it's time that you, maybe you had a bad, experience in the past. In my case, I was molested as a child when I was six years old. So early in our marriage, I had to learn how not to flash back to those experiences while Steve and I were making love for by forgiving the man who violated me, talking to my husband about my struggle, and praying together as a couple and in my own personal prayers, often in the moment that I was having some weird flashback, I was able to conquer destructive emotions and be and I was able to enjoy intimacy with my husband. So what's the bottom line? Great lovemaking doesn't happen by accident.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:16:51]:

Life is busy, so lovemaking with your spouse can easily become less than pressing issue for you. Yet it's critical to the health of your marriage that you schedule times in your week for lovemaking and for romance as well. When you romance your husband, cultivate passionate experiences and help your husband know how to fill up your romance tank. You will not only transform your marriage bed, but I believe your marriage will be fundamentally changed as well. You, my friend, hold the key to building a romantic marriage. By applying principles that you've heard in this chapter, you can enjoy a passionate marriage that is deeply satisfying for both of you. I'm gonna take a couple minutes and read some out, stuff that Steve wrote to the wives in this book. There's a from a husband's perspective, and then I actually got to write to the husband's from a wife's perspective also in every chapter of the book.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:17:48]:

Steve said Rhonda pretty much hit it spot on regarding the frustration we men have in the romance department. Truth be known, I wasn't really that good at romance before we were married. Rhonda just was keen to look for it when we recording, and she encouraged me when I was being romantic. Maybe you did this for your man. What if you did what if as you did when you were dating your husband, you continued to watch for and celebrate even the simplest attempts to be romantic. If you do, you may find your husband trying harder to be romantic with you. So what is it about lovemaking? At the risk of being categorized as the guy who just wants intimacy from his wife, because men are animals, I'm gonna roll up my sleeves and try my best to tackle the topic of what intimacy means to your man. I feel like I'm stepping on a tight rope, but here it goes.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:18:37]:

When a husband knows his wife desires him in the marriage bed, it gives him a special sense of empowerment. This feeling of empowerment, however, is not about conquering his woman nor is it arrogance. Rather, it is a quiet confidence that comes over a man when he believes his wife actually wants to make love to him. I realize that for Christians, our confidence comes from Christ alone, but God also made men to need affirmation from their wives in the marriage bed. Have you considered how the spirit may use you to bolster your husband's self assurance? When you minister to your husband's need for intimacy, you pour courage into his heart. In this chapter, Rhonda addressed the sin of selfishness, how it enters the whole equation of intimacy. Looking at Philippians two three through four, again, count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests but also to the interest of others.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:19:34]:

If God wants you to put the needs of others before your own with regard to every person you encounter, how much more important is this attitude in the most intimate relationship you can have this side of glory with your husband? When my wife puts my needs above her own through intimacy, she helps me keep my focus on my savior. She inspires me to continue in my labor of serving him and brings a sense of fulfillment in the life that God has given me. Rhonda's selflessness empowers me to be effective for God's kingdom. And you might be delighted to find your husband energized to accomplish whatever God's calling him to do as well. In my experience, husbands who are intimately satisfied at home are deeply in love with their wives. I wholeheartedly agree with Rhonda's statement that when you find your has husband s* xually desirable and he feels loved for who he is, then you will fill him with a sense of strength, well-being, and confidence. And since selflessly making love to your husband is truly serving Christ, you will be rewarded by our savior as well. I love that.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:20:44]:

I love that insight. I know that's a lot that we unpack, and I know that it's not just an easy changing your mind and saying, I'm gonna try harder. But the Bible says, you have not because you ask not. If you want to minister to your husband in this way that God has designed this specific ministry to you, his wife in the marriage bed, ask God to help you. Find godly mentors. Find resources that are biblically based. This marriage mentor book, which by the way, again, you can get it for dollar 99 this week only on the ebook on Amazon. You can also get the audio version of my book, A Christian Woman's Guide.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:21:24]:

No. The Great S*x and Marriage. If you message me, I'll send it to you for free. And if you want the audio version of my book, If My Husband Would Change, I'd Be Happy and Other Myths Wives Believe, also great resource. And it's free right now if you sign up for Audible. Lots of ways to help you. But here's the thing, friend. Don't just say tomorrow.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:21:45]:

Start today. Ask the Lord for help. Ask the Lord for courage to step into this role, and then one day at a time, ask God to help you meet the emotional needs of your husband by pursuing him and taking him to bed with you. I hope this has been helpful to you. I know it's a touchy subject, and I actually hesitated if I was gonna read that chapter, but it's the month of love. It's Valentine's Day, and I felt it was an important one. So thank you so much for joining me on this episode of Old Ladies Know Stuff, and I hope that you will subscribe. And if you're watching it on the YouTube channel, you can follow it on the channel.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:22:25]:

I always stream it live first before I post the audio on the, on the, podcast. Subscribe to the YouTube channel, Rhonda Stop Me No Regrets Woman. You'll find the playlist for all my old ladies no stuff, videos. And then you can also go over wherever you get your podcasts, and then just subscribe to old ladies no stuff. Share it with your friends, tag a friend in the comments when this one posts. This is something that Christians don't talk about enough, and everybody pretends like they're the that they've got it all together. And behind closed doors, there's some painful experiences going on because nobody's talking about this. I pray that this will help you, encourage you, and it will also equip you to equip the next generation.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:23:06]:

If you're an old lady who knows stuff, let's pass the baton to the next generation of wives that need to understand when you pursue your husband intimately, you have a profound influence upon him in all areas of his life. And like Steve said, husbands whose wives pursue them intimately are deeply in love with their lie with their wives. I still want that for you. Let's go. Let's do it. Have a great day.