Love Like You Mean it! with Marriage Expert Bob Lepine

Every year, millions of men and women stand before friends and family to pledge their lifelong love to each other. Do they know what they’re getting into?
 
Unfortunately, many people have a shallow, superficial idea of what marriage is. As a result, many marriages don’t last, and many more married couples are trudging along looking for something more.

Bob Lepine spent 30+ years as the co-host for the popular radio program: Family Life Today. He has interviewed countless marriage experts. As a pastor, author and speaker Bob is ready to share with you. 

Bob says, "If you don't tend to your marriage it will drift." In this episode learn practical ways husbands and wives can resist the drift that is a natural part of married life. Learn to love like you mean it for a loving marriage that lasts a lifetime.

Bio:

Radio and podcast listeners know Bob Lepine as the co-host of FamilyLife Today®, FamilyLife’s nationally syndicated radio program. He is the author of LOVE LIKE YOU MEAN IT - The Heart of a Marriage That Honors God  and “The Christian Husband” (1999). Bob is also the on air announcer for “Truth for Life” with Alistair Begg. 

Bob also serves on the Board of Directors for National Religious Broadcasters. Since 2008 Bob has served as an elder and teaching pastor at Redeemer Community Church in Little Rock, Arkansas. Today he is the host of Mornings on Family Radio, heard on a network of more than 70 radio stations in the US. He is also the ost of The Bounce podcast for pastors and church planters.

Bob and his wife, Mary Ann have five children and nine grandchildren.

Book:
Love Like You Mean It gives husbands and wives a biblical understanding of what real love looks like in marriage by unpacking the ten attributes of genuine love listed in 1 Corinthians 13. Bob Lepine, marriage and family expert and host of the nationally syndicated radio program FamilyLife Today, helps husbands and wives discover that it’s not primarily emotions that define marital love, but actions and decisions that fuel emotions and cause marital love to grow.

Every person who is married, would like to be married one day, or wants to understand more about the biblical vision of marriage will find what they’re looking for as they dive deep into Love Like You Mean It.

Bob's books include: Build a Stronger Marriage, Twelve Things You (Probably) Didn't Know About Easter, The Four Emotions of Christmas, The Christian Husband, and the Book we are discussing today:
LOVE LIKE YOU MEAN IT - The Heart of a Marriage That Honors God

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"This podcast is for the purpose of mentoring only and is not a replacement for therapy. We suggest you seek out the help of a trained biblical counselor for help with your specific situation.”

Transcript

Rhonda Stoppe [00:00:01]:
Friends, you are in for the biggest treat today on this episode of Old Ladies Know Stuff, and I'm literally trying to type that as I talk to you, d I e s. And this, we're gonna go live with, my friend, Bob Lapine, and then you can also listen to the episode when it airs on February 4th on the podcast, but you can watch this live on the YouTube channel. And I know that some of you are joining us there. Bob Lapine. I met Bob when I was a guest on Family Life Today. I think it was in 2016, maybe.

Bob Lepine [00:00:36]:
Sounds right.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:00:37]:
Yeah. I I was super nervous. I had never been in studio for an interview before. It was a great and you guys interviewed a guy that was like the outdoor man.

Bob Lepine [00:00:48]:
K. I'm I'm trying to remember. That was a few years ago. What was he a was he a fish? Like a okay.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:00:55]:
So we had lunch together, and it was you and Dennis Rainey and me and him. Yes. That conversation was all about outdoor fishing, and I'm not contributing to the conversation. And I'm like, I don't know. I live on good. Does that count?

Bob Lepine [00:01:08]:
This was a guy named Hank Parker, and Hank is a pro bass fisherman.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:01:12]:
Yeah.

Bob Lepine [00:01:13]:
And Dennis Rainey had gone bass fishing with him, and they'd had such a great time. Dennis said he needs to come and share his story, and it was a great story. His how God had used his life. But I have to tell you that when we got around to interviewing you, I thought, well, we've just had we've had a good solid day with Hank and then with Rhonda because it it stood out. You you knew, you you you cared passionately about what you were talking about. You engaged with it. I I just was very impressed and have stayed in touch and have have promoted your books, and I'm a cheerleader for Yes. All that you're doing.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:01:45]:
Connected with yours right then and there. I feel like we became friends. Same passion, same desire. So let me just jump into here. I'm gonna read your your bio. Bob Lapine is known to radio and podcast listeners as the longtime cohost of Family Life Today and the on air announcer for Truth For Life with Alastair Begg. Every time I hear you announce him, I'm like, hi, Bob. Today, he is the host of Mornings on family radio, and he has heard on a network of more than 70 radio stations in the US.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:02:17]:
He's also the host of the bounce podcast for pastors and church planters. Bob is the teacher pastor at Redeemer Community Church in Little Rock, Arkansas, which he helped planted in 2008. He serves on the board of directors for the Great Commission Collective and as a chairman of the board for Revive Our Hearts. Bob is the author of Build A Stronger Marriage that came out in 2022, 12 Things You Probably Didn't Know About Easter 2023, the 4 Emotions of Christmas 2022, Love Like You Mean It, the Heart of a Marriage That Honors God, 2020, and the Christian Husband in 1999. And today, we're gonna talk about all things from your amazing book, Love Like You Mean It. How do I

Bob Lepine [00:03:04]:
get it? Yeah. Yep.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:03:06]:
Love this book. When we first, looked over this book, Steve and I, the what what I loved about it was the way that you unfolded, not just here's a marriage issue, let's fix this one. Here's another marriage issue, let's fix this one. Mhmm. I'm gonna read from your bio. Every year, millions of men men and women stand before friends, and they pledge their lifelong love to each other. Do they know what they're getting into? Unfortunately, most people have a shallow superficial idea of what marriage is. As a result, many marriages made me cry, do not last.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:03:45]:
And many more married couples are trudging through looking for something more. Yeah. The book, Love Like You Mean It, gives husbands and wives biblical understanding of what real love looks like in marriage by unpacking 10 attributes of genuine love that are listed in 1st Corinthians 13. Now Now before you shut down and say, oh, I know 1st Corinthians 13, you do not know it in the way Bob is gonna share it. Bob Lapine, marriage and family expert and host of the nationally syndicated radio program Family Life Today, helps husbands and wives discover that it's not primarily emotions that define marital love, but actions and decisions that fuel emotions and cause marital love to grow. And that's where we're gonna camp today. I, was sharing on I jumped on social media to say they could stream and watch. Not only are you sharing from your expertise as a marriage expert, as a pastor who I know have walked through countless counseling sessions with married couples.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:04:45]:
You've also had the privilege of sitting with some of the country's top marriage experts in the country in the world.

Bob Lepine [00:04:52]:
Yep.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:04:52]:
As you've interviewed them from Family Life Today when you're you're how long were you on that show?

Bob Lepine [00:04:57]:
We started in 92, and I wrapped up in 21, so 28 years.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:05:02]:
That's amazing.

Bob Lepine [00:05:04]:
Yeah.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:05:04]:
Oh, so, folks, we have a bounding information that's gonna just flow out of Bob's expertise. So let's just jump right in, And I wanna ask you, what do you think is the biggest problem facing married couples today?

Bob Lepine [00:05:17]:
I I think most couples, and this was true for Mary Anne and me, we we step into marriage with a shallow understanding of what it is we're getting ourselves into. And I guess we we could probably all say that because we we walk in. The the emotions are driving us. We're we're we're fueled by that. But but I tell people my idea of what love in a marriage relationship should be was more shaped by pop songs and, in our day, by Hallmark movies than it is by what the Bible has to say about what real love looks like.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:05:49]:
Yeah.

Bob Lepine [00:05:50]:
And so we come in and we think as long as the emotions are what they are, I'm gonna be thrilled. And then we find out one day that the emotions have ebbed for some reason, and we're going it's it doesn't feel the way it did, or I'm having a bad week or a bad day or a bad month, and things start we we drift toward isolation, which, by the way, it's the natural drift in every marriage to drift toward isolation. If you don't tend to your marriage, just like if you don't tend to your garden, it goes to to weeds. If you don't tend to your marriage, it goes to isolation. And so we have to be proactive and purposeful, and that's not that's not something that that couples expect or anticipate. Because here's the thing, Ronald. When when I was when Mary Anne and I were dating, we couldn't wait to be with one another. When we were with one another, it was just it was we, you know, we bought some, but it was just we always look forward to it.

Bob Lepine [00:06:43]:
And then something happens. You get married and you move in. It becomes normal, and you start to just drift. You get busy with work or the kids or whatever else, and you find yourself in isolation. And you go, how did we get here? And it takes a lot of couples by surprise. And we just have to help folks understand that's that doesn't mean there's something wrong with your marriage. It does mean there's something wrong with you, and that's sin. We're gonna you know, that's that's the issue that both of us are dealing with.

Bob Lepine [00:07:09]:
Right? And so we have to address those issues. We have to correct our our thinking about what love looks like, and we have to fight our way through that isolation and get back to oneness, which is what we got married for in the first place.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:07:21]:
Right. And, honestly, in all of our years, we've been at the same church for 25 years. It's He was in youth ministry for 18 years before that. Completely different ministry when you're dealing with grown ups, when you're dealing with adults. When when teenagers are dumb, you're like, hey. Stop it. When adults are dumb, you're like, hey. Stop it.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:07:37]:
And they don't. But when you can help them understand pursuing the feeling and when the feeling is gone, thinking the grass is greener on the other side. In one of our books, Steve writes the grass is greener not greener on the other side. The grass is greener where you water it.

Bob Lepine [00:07:55]:
Right.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:07:56]:
You have to tend to that. But I love that insight in the notes we just put below us. It is the natural tendency in marriage to drift toward isolation. How do we do that? Some it's the remote. Let's watch sports. Husband walks in. Wife's busy with the kids. He does his thing.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:08:12]:
What is she doing? She's keeping the house going. She maybe works full time. She comes home. Maybe she homeschools. So a lot of times, even the drift toward isolation isn't like depressed in a dark room with the drapes drawn, feeling sorry for ourselves. We just pour ourselves into something else that makes us feel meaningful or, you know, like like we're valued. The drift is natural. And so, you know, I think it's focus on the family has something called resist the drift or they

Bob Lepine [00:08:42]:
Right.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:08:42]:
Heard that quote. It's, I think, an moment for newly married couples, engaged couples, couples that have been married for, you know, Steve and I just celebrated, 43 years.

Bob Lepine [00:08:54]:
I don't think Yes.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:08:57]:
It's it's not just looking at marriages that last that long and going, oh, lucky them. They got one that lasted.

Bob Lepine [00:09:03]:
Right.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:09:04]:
They they learned from wise older mentors and and decided to resist that drift in marriage. I love that, reality. Right? There's instead of just the happily ever after love stories, you know, Cinderella and the prince charming, they wrote off happily ever after together, and they held hands for the rest of their lives and never ever drifted.

Bob Lepine [00:09:25]:
That's nobody's story. That's and but but it's the Hollywood story. It's what we what we grow up expecting or thinking. And and then when it doesn't happen, we think something must be wrong with me or with us. And when we can just come back and say, no. This is normal and natural. Now let's figure out how to not make it regular. Let's figure out how to get back from where you wound up.

Bob Lepine [00:09:47]:
And yeah. Yeah. We we wind up in isolation in part because I know when when I got married, here's what I was thinking. I like the way you make me feel when we're together. Mhmm. And I will make sacrifices if you will keep making me feel this way. Wow. So it was really very transactional.

Bob Lepine [00:10:08]:
It was I'm I'm willing to mow the lawn and take care of the bills and even go to work every day as long as when I get home, you make me feel special. Well, something happens where, for whatever reason, you're not making me feel special. And when that happens, I start to shut down. I start to pull away. You don't like me the way you used to like me. You used to make me feel special. Now you don't.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:10:31]:
Right.

Bob Lepine [00:10:32]:
And and pretty soon, we're on opposite sides of the sofa or the living room. And we're looking at each other and going, why doesn't feel why doesn't it feel the way you used to make me feel? But but at the core of that was all, as long as you give me what I want, I'm I'm in for this. But as soon as I'm not getting what I want out of this, and and here's where I think couples have to say your marriage is not primarily about, what what the other person feels or what you feel. Your marriage is primarily about, is God pleased with what's going on in our marriage? And when when I made that shift, when we made that shift together and said the big question here is not, am I happy or are you happy? The big question is, is God happy? And if we're both committed to God being happy with what is going on in our marriage, then here's what we find. We're both happy when God's happy. Yeah. But if we make it about us, then then the isolation that's where the isolation starts to happen.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:11:28]:
Right. And and especially in Christian marriages, so many of the marriages that unravel and, you know, maybe a good Christian couple will pull themselves together for the sake of the kids and we're Christians, we're not gonna divorce, we'll live under the same roof and we'll be, you know, we'll suck it up buttercup. And they miss You're not kidding.

Bob Lepine [00:11:45]:
Yeah. Right.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:11:46]:
Guess who's watching? Your kids are

Bob Lepine [00:11:48]:
watching. Yeah.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:11:49]:
And if we are gonna love each other, you know, in the Bible, Jesus said love love the Lord with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. 2nd commandment, love your neighbor as yourself. If I'm not falling more in love with my savior daily by washing my mind with the water of the word, spending time with him, fellowshipping with other people who pursue Christ in that way, not just we're in church and that's the what a good Christian family does, but knowing that I can't live except by the bread of Christ daily because I know I, you know, I always say you'll never see yourself more clearly than through the lens of scripture.

Bob Lepine [00:12:19]:
Yeah.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:12:19]:
If I'm not washing my mind with true you know, the word of god God's quick and powerful, sharper than the 2 edged sword, and it's what discerns the thoughts and intents of my heart. I'm gonna sit there all day long and descend discern the thoughts and intents of his heart. Oh, he said that because he thinks this. Oh, he didn't he didn't pick up after himself because he doesn't care what I do all day. And we assign wrong motives to each other's actions, which causes beginning of adrift and and unmet expectations, and then there's resentment, and there's bitterness. And guess who's watching? Your kids. And you're telling them Jesus is the answer to all of life's problems, and you're lying to them. And your hypocrisy is going to steal your testimony from them.

Bob Lepine [00:12:58]:
I'm gonna give you the verse, this one verse that will fix 85% of the issues couples are dealing with in their marriage. But I have to tell you the story behind this verse first. When Mary Anne and I were dating, she said to me one time, what do you think about us memorizing scripture together? And I I nodded and went, wow. And I'm thinking to myself, why do people memorize scripture? I mean, if you need it, it's there. You go look it up, but you don't have to memorize it. Who does that? That was not a part of my background, my tradition. It was all new to me. But we were dating, so I was like, yeah.

Bob Lepine [00:13:29]:
Wow. That's a great idea.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:13:31]:
Even we say, sweetheart.

Bob Lepine [00:13:32]:
So I said, did you have a verse in mind? And she said, I was thinking we could memorize a chapter. Mhmm. And I remember going, wow. And I'm thinking, a chapter? Are you out of who memorizes a chapter of the Bible? But we're dating, so I was like, yeah. I said, did you have a chapter you were thinking about? She said, yes. I was thinking we should memorize Philippians 2. Mhmm. And I thought I nodded like I knew.

Bob Lepine [00:13:56]:
Oh, yeah. That's a good one. But I think he said old testament or new testament. Seriously, I was that's how

Rhonda Stoppe [00:14:02]:
Yes.

Bob Lepine [00:14:03]:
That's how new I was to all of this. So we started memorizing Philippians 2, and I'm not a great memorizer. It's not something that comes natural or easy to me. But when I got to verse 3, for some reason, it just clicked. Like, I memorized it quickly. And I don't remember what version. I think we were using the new American standard at the time. It says, do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind, let each of you regard one another as more important than yourself.

Bob Lepine [00:14:32]:
Mhmm. Now let me just go back up here. Do nothing. I've looked that up. The word nothing there in the original language means nothing. Do do nothing from selfishness.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:14:43]:
Mhmm.

Bob Lepine [00:14:43]:
So you should never be the center. You should never it's never about you or or vanity empty conceit. But with humility, Mhmm. Regard your spouse as more important than you. If the biggest fights you were having in your marriage were, you're more important than me. No. You're more important than me. That'd fix a lot.

Bob Lepine [00:15:03]:
So many issues just come back to, I'm not getting what I want. I'm not happy. I'm not pleased. It's all about you. You're at the center of it. Mhmm. And instead of thinking how can I demonstrate love to my spouse? How can I bless my spouse? How can I encourage? How can I pour myself out for the good of my spouse? Which is what the chapter goes on to talk about how Jesus emptied himself, taking the form of a bond servant. This is the mind work to have in us.

Bob Lepine [00:15:30]:
Mhmm. If couples would say, we're gonna make that our goal in marriage, that the other person is more important than me and that I will sacrifice myself to serve the other person, that'll cure about 85% of the issues that are going on in most marriages today. Yeah. Mhmm.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:15:45]:
Yep. And it works if your spouse is not a believer. Because I think a lot of times, you know, women that are watching are like, well, my husband's not a Christian, so he's never gonna do that for me. That's not what you just said. You said do it for him. Right.

Bob Lepine [00:15:56]:
Right. Because that that's the only thing. You can't control what your spouse is gonna do for you. All you can control is what you're gonna do for your spouse. So you say, I'm not in charge of what my spouse does. I'm in charge of what I do. I'm gonna I'm gonna pour myself out in love for my spouse knowing that when I do that, my father is pleased. The Lord is pleased with that action.

Bob Lepine [00:16:20]:
I have his blessing. I have his smile when I'm doing that. And so whatever else your husband is thinking or doing, the Lord is pleased with what's going on when you're doing that. And that's your goal anyway, to please the Lord. Right. So make that your ambition.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:16:35]:
Right. And then he will show you favor. And honestly, I have a dear friend whose husband is not the picture of what a husband should be.

Bob Lepine [00:16:43]:
Right.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:16:43]:
And she I remember when she just said, I'm just going to choose to ask God to love him through me.

Bob Lepine [00:16:49]:
Mhmm.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:16:49]:
And her kids grew up watching her cover with love when she wasn't loved the way she would have liked to have been loved. And those kids grew up to follow Christ. And she said years later, you know, Joseph and Dakota Many Colors was taken from his safe, secure little home, sold into slavery, and God used those 17 years to mold him to be the man God could entrust to be second in command of Egypt. And I know kids that have been raised in perfect Christian homes that grow up and walk away or at very least are apathetic about their faith. If my children needed to observe Christ in me loving my spouse in spite of them measuring up to my expectation, And that's what God used to grow my kids up to follow him, to raise their children, to follow him, and to marry godly spouses. And this is the key, ladies. She said I'd do it all again. Yeah.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:17:40]:
I'd live through it all again. That to me is gold because we want our kids to feel secure. We want our kids to grow up and give them all the advantages in the world. We'll put them in every, you know, sports and dance and, you know, SATs and all of that stuff, but we don't make the sacrifices, the personal sacrifices that God's gonna say, you know what? In your trial, your trial is not about you. It's about validating your testimony to your child.

Bob Lepine [00:18:07]:
Well and and something she said so two thoughts that come first is we got a note from a listener one time, a teenager who was listening who said, I wish parents understood that if they can't demonstrate love for one another, there's very little they can say to us about God's love for us. Wow. She she saw the connection that if you say that there's a loving God who loves us and who blesses us and and you guys can't love one another, you're invalidating the the truth of the gospel in the eyes of your kids. That was powerful.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:18:37]:
It's so powerful.

Bob Lepine [00:18:38]:
But the second thing that that I'd come back to here is, this kind of oh, it it's what what your friend said. The source of love that you should have for your your spouse is not from deep inside of you. Mhmm. The source of that love is the love that God pours in, the love that he sheds abroad in your heart. That's what the Bible says. The love that he lavishes on you. When you say, I don't have it in me to love my spouse, that's right. You don't.

Bob Lepine [00:19:09]:
Mhmm. But God will pour out his love into you. And the more you are filled up with your understanding and knowledge of God's love for you, the more that is is flowing into you, then the outflow of that in your own life is what's spilling over. So you think of it like a like a rain gutter. If your gutters are filled up with God's love being poured out on you, then what comes out the spout toward your husband is God's love

Rhonda Stoppe [00:19:36]:
Mhmm.

Bob Lepine [00:19:36]:
For your husband through you. And you're right. If if you're going, I just don't have it in me or there is a root of bitterness that needs to be dealt with or whatever else, you need to get filled up with God's grace, mercy, love toward you so you can be a dispenser of that love for your spouse. It's not in us to love our spouse, but it is in the heart of God to love us and to love others through us. We just need to be recipients of his love so we can be dispensers of his love to others.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:20:05]:
Right. And the beginning of what you're saying is repentance.

Bob Lepine [00:20:09]:
Yeah.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:20:10]:
Me, oh God, know my heart. Try me, know my anxious thoughts. See if there's any wicked way in me. Because we are prone to self worth worship, self idolatry. Everything is about my comfort, my happiness, my that's idolatry. Mhmm. And if we can lay all of those at the feet of Jesus, and I love that you said to memorize scripture. I have most of the book of Philippians memorized, except chapter 3 hangs me up because I know so many bits and pieces of those verses from childhood, so I never get in the right order.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:20:39]:
But I am telling you, I didn't start memorizing that book until I was I think I was 58 years old, and God convicted me. I want you to hide my word in your heart. I'm like, well, you know, I'm old, and I said, you know, if you have not because you asked not. Lord, help me. If you want me to do this, please help me. And he does brings it to memory at just the right time. But when we think of I'm thinking of Abigail in the bible who was married to Nabal. His name means fool.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:21:07]:
Hey, Abby. He came with a warning label. Fool. He married a fool. But when David was gonna go kill him because he was an idiot

Bob Lepine [00:21:16]:
Yeah.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:21:16]:
And he was really David was righteous well, he wasn't righteously angry. He would have killed him in the wrong motives.

Bob Lepine [00:21:21]:
Right.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:21:22]:
This woman gets wind of it, and she goes out and stops David and says, don't don't kill him. Now I can say, if I'm married to a fool, I'm gonna be like, alright. This is my way out. Please. Go, David. She doesn't do that. Right. She steps in and says, he is a fool, but let me you don't wanna do this, David.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:21:42]:
When you finally are king, you don't want his blood on your hands.

Bob Lepine [00:21:45]:
Right.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:21:45]:
That shows the heart of a woman who finds her worth and her understanding of who God is, not in how well her husband treats her. Yeah. I just love that story. So so that's we'll get back to your questions here. I could just chat with you all day. So, so when you wrote this book, who did you write it for, and how is it different from any other marriage books that are out there?

Bob Lepine [00:22:07]:
Well, the starting point for this book was actually a sermon series that I preached at our church where we went through, 1st Corinthians 13 and went through it slowly, phrase by phrase, word by word, just to say, when it says love is patient, what does that look like? What does that mean? Love is kind. What does that look like? What does that mean? And I I was preaching to a congregation, so I was not thinking about marriage in particular. I was thinking about the pattern of our life and what it looks like for every believer to to love your neighbor. What does that mean? And after I'd gotten done, somebody said, oh, you should you shouldn't talk about that in the context of marriage. And I thought, well, duh. I mean, here I am working at family life today doing these radio programs. So I came back to the passage and said, okay. If love is patient, then then how does that play out in a marriage? What is that supposed to look like in a marriage relationship? I I wrote this to try to help people who have a vague familiarity with first Corinthians 13 understand, this is not this passage was not read Paul didn't write this to be love poetry for a wedding.

Bob Lepine [00:23:16]:
This is a rebuke Yeah. Of a church that was not demonstrating love. Highly gifted people, very spiritually minded people, but very competitive, and he's he's chastising them. And so we hear it. You know, if I speak with the tongues of men and angels, but have not love and we read it like a Rod McEwen poem. Paul is I I believe he's writing it like this. If I speak with the tongues of men and angels that have not love, I'm a noisy gong and a clanging symbol. Don't you get it? Love is patient.

Bob Lepine [00:23:49]:
Love is kind. Somebody said I read this. I put it in the book. Somebody said that these characteristics, this is this is putting the the work boots on. This is love with with work boots put on. And so the description here of these characteristics of love, it's not talking about emotions. It's talking about decisions, choices that we make. And it's hard work to love somebody this way.

Bob Lepine [00:24:12]:
And yet when we read through it, we see this is exactly how God loves us, how he demonstrates his love for us and Jesus. And if if that's what Christ in us can produce, patience, kindness, all of the things that are are listed here. Don't envy. Don't boast. Don't be irritable. Don't be rude. All of that is not in us to do, but God the Holy Spirit working in us and through us can can help help us be conformed to the image of Christ and to love others with these kinds of qualities.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:24:43]:
Yes. And your book unpacks how to do that. That's what I love about this resource. You know, a lot of women wanna get their husband into marriage counseling because, you know, my book, if my husband would change, I'd be happy. Let's fix him, and then I'll be happy. And there is a a wealth of wisdom in this book that you can sit down with a godly mentor, a biblical counselor, and get not just here's a problem, here's how to fix it, here's a problem, It's becoming someone new. And that circling back to our children, if you're, you know, preaching at your kids, be kind to your sister, stop yelling at your brother, don't argue, and you're snipping at your spouse or undermining or arguing or, you know, maybe don't argue. Maybe it's the silent treatment.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:25:24]:
I grew up with my parents had the silent treatment, and it was like you could cut it with a knife. But if you are looking in your kids' lives and you're saying, don't act like this, do as I say, not as I do, that's not gonna happen. They're gonna look at your normal. Steve and I do premarital counseling. First thing we do, let's unpack what is your normal and your normal and figure out how you're gonna create your own normal that honors Christ. It's such a great resource. So why is a biblical understanding important? Let me

Bob Lepine [00:25:56]:
let me just jump in here and and say, I've I've looked at I don't know that it's been every marriage book that's been written over the last 30 years, but most

Rhonda Stoppe [00:26:04]:
of them a lot.

Bob Lepine [00:26:06]:
In in the role I've been I've talked to a lot of authors. And most marriage books, you can open them up, and where's the chapter on communication? Where's the chapter on sex? Where's the chapter on finances? Where's there are kind of the the standard categories like you're saying. And there's nothing wrong with that. We need to be able to think in those categories. We live in those categories. But I I wanted to say, let's look at what the Bible says about what real love is, and let's not be driven by our marriage categories. But, I I think if we can begin to internalize and embrace, this is the I I want to be the kind of lover God wants me to be. Again, this chapter says, if you don't have this kind of love, you've got nothing.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:26:48]:
Yeah. It

Bob Lepine [00:26:48]:
Yeah. It now hear that. It's not that you have less than. No. You have nothing. Without this, you're no good. So in a marriage, if you don't have this kind of love at work in your marriage, you got nothing. So let's come back to that and let's say, let's be committed to this.

Bob Lepine [00:27:08]:
And and as you said, you can read this book and decide I'm going to be this kind of person regardless of what my spouse chooses to do or be because that's gonna be honoring to the Lord. It'll be harder if your spouse is not going along with it with you. Yeah. But that's okay because, Jesus did it with a lot of stubborn big headed people too, and and you can as well.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:27:31]:
Yeah. And I I think of Jesus in John 15 without me you can do nothing. You can do nothing. Yeah. In me. He's not joking. He's not kidding. You can transform your marriage if you abide in Christ and if you ask him.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:27:46]:
I don't love like that. He says he will answer our prayers if they're according to his will. I promise you it's according to his will that you learn to love like that.

Bob Lepine [00:27:55]:
Yeah.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:27:56]:
Ask him. Ask him to intercede for you.

Bob Lepine [00:27:59]:
And look at where it starts. That this this kind of when I recognize this, you've got the prologue to this in the first three verses. If you don't if you speak with tongues and you don't have love, you're a noisy gong, you're a clanging symbol. You give away everything to the poor. You don't have love. It's no good. The first characteristic, love is patient. Now if you've got an old King James, it doesn't say that.

Bob Lepine [00:28:24]:
It says, first thing, right out of the box, love suffereth long. So the first thing Paul says I wanna tell you about what real love looks like is you're gonna suffer for a long time. Yeah. That that when when I got hit with that, love is patient means love endures long suffering. You you're gonna go through hard things, and you endure it with patience and with grace. The starting point for what real look love looks like is a commitment that says, I know this is not gonna be easy. I know there are gonna be times when I'm not gonna be happier. It's not gonna feel good.

Bob Lepine [00:29:02]:
I'm going to, for the sake of the gospel and for the sake of my marriage, I'm gonna endure that. And I'll just say 2 other verses that I think have been very helpful for me. 1 in the book of Proverbs, there's a Proverbs, one of the Proverbs that says that it is a man's glory to overlook an offense.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:29:22]:
Mhmm. Mhmm.

Bob Lepine [00:29:23]:
And and I tell couples all the time, most of the offenses that are gonna happen between the 2 of you in marriage are gonna be minor. They're not gonna be big deals. And and the right response in most of those cases is to choose to overlook it, not to hang on to it, not to harbor it, but here overlook means you pour grace on top of it. You say to yourself, you know what? God's given me grace. I'm gonna give you grace, and you just you overlook it. In the New Testament, it says it this way. Love covers

Rhonda Stoppe [00:29:54]:
A multitude.

Bob Lepine [00:29:55]:
A multitude, a multitude of sins.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:29:58]:
Mhmm.

Bob Lepine [00:29:58]:
And so that's a normal pattern. Now that doesn't mean you're enabling. That doesn't mean that you're letting somebody who's caught in a sin continue in that pattern that's gonna be unhealthy for you or for them. But it does mean that when somebody goes, oh, man. I forgot. Sorry. I know you told me to get eggs at the store, and I just forgot it. You pour grace on that.

Bob Lepine [00:30:18]:
You don't go you never you you don't even listen to no. You pour grace on top of that, and you say, you know what? I could do that just as easily as as you could do that. And that means that we have to be we we have to be people who are who are the the fruit of the spirit's gotta be present in our lives. Patience is one of the fruit of the spirit. But that's the starting point for love is to say, I'm gonna pour grace on a lot of the offenses that are gonna happen in our marriage.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:30:45]:
Right. I love that. Because honestly, iron sharpens iron. And when we think we're doing fine, we get married and then the sparks start to fly. Right. And sharpen our sword so that God can use us. But when I get bumped, what spills out of me is really what's inside of me.

Bob Lepine [00:31:01]:
Yep.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:31:01]:
And that is the value of being in a marriage relationship day in and day out. I love knowing that Christ is just as interested in us having happy marriages than we are in enjoying them. And the happiness is that, you know, Nehemiah 8 10, the joy of the Lord is your strength. They were building a wall, a trowel in one hand, and a sword in the other. They were fighting against the onslaught of the enemy and the, you know, questioning their integrity, all of those things. And his pep talk is fight for joy, people.

Bob Lepine [00:31:33]:
You're right.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:31:33]:
And our marriage is Satan comes to steal, kill, and destroy the joy in our homes and in our families, in our marriages. So as we wrap up, I would love because I know how healthy marriages influence our our churches, our ability to share the gospel from a pastor's heart for the women, that are watching and listening. You know, they can write you a pastor appreciation note all day long, and that's nice. Yep. But how truly to love your pastor and to love the Lord in the way that they interact in their spouse with their spouses?

Bob Lepine [00:32:06]:
Well, I will say that the most encouraging, the most affirming thing for me as a pastor is when I'm hearing about how God is using his word in somebody's life to to cause them to grow in grace. And so, for for people to come up I mean, somebody can say that was great, sermon, pastor, or whatever else. And and I appreciate that, but what I wanna hear is how God's using his word in your life and and the transformation that's happening there. And that's gonna the the the proving ground for that is gonna be marriage. Yes. Because we can fake it with our neighbors. Mhmm. But we can't fake it at home.

Bob Lepine [00:32:45]:
Mhmm. And and I've I've heard people talk about how we can be in the middle of some intense fellowship, right, where we're using our voices are louder than normal, and we're not happy with one another. And the doorbell rings, and we go to the doorbell. And what do we do? We open the door. Hey. How are you? Now I I know that we're we're directing. But you know what? You can choose, I I think of the movie inside out. Yeah.

Bob Lepine [00:33:12]:
You can decide that anger is not gonna be at the control panel of your life. Yeah. And and instead, you want the spirit of God. That's the thing that's missing from inside out. You want the spirit of God to be at the control panel of your life. And in the movie, they they present joy as kind of that Yeah. That horse. Well, okay.

Bob Lepine [00:33:32]:
So that's close. You you want God's spirit directing. You pay attention to your emotions, but you don't let your emotions control what's going on in your life or in your marriage. You they they give you information and data so you don't just try to tune them out or pretend like they're not there, but they're not in charge. Instead, the authority of God's word is in charge. And when that's happening in your home, in your marriage, you're gonna be, the kind of a a shining example to the rest of the church, to the rest of the the community. It's gonna be a powerful witness when people see 2 people who have gone the distance and love one another, still like being together. People go, how how do you do that? They're curious about that, and you can point them to Christ.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:34:17]:
Right. And let's go with the theme of my show, old ladies know stuff that I knew I wasn't the wife I meant to be when I was a young wife. I knew that the propensity I had was to imitate exactly what I saw destroying marriages in my family, but it's so much a part of who you are. So you make friends with older couples, you go on vacation with them, you go into a small group bibles bible study with them. You hear what God's taught them from their successes and their failures.

Bob Lepine [00:34:45]:
Yep.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:34:45]:
And this book is a great resource that you can get enjoy. You can do a, you know, a virtual meet up with friends. You can get an do it for a Sunday school class. If you don't have time for another night out, make time to do this study together. And I don't know. Just when you're on a journey together with other people that are trying to grow in their marriage and you're filtering it through the word of God, not just let's all try harder, but the word of God which will transform your marriage, I highly recommend this book. So tell us where they can get it and any of the resources you wanna tell them about.

Bob Lepine [00:35:19]:
Yeah. I I would hope that the book would be a a setup for the conversations that would take place afterwards because that's where the real rubber's gonna meet the road. So you read a chapter, and, hopefully, that will spark the discussion that helps you really begin to apply it. We actually did a 10 part video series on that book as well, and family life has that. So you can watch a 15 or 20 minute video where I kind of unpack these principles. And then it's the conversation that's gonna take place after that where the real power is gonna come. So the book's available wherever you get your books, Amazon, wherever else, your your bookstore. The the video series love like you mean it is available through family life, and folks can go to family life.com to find out how they can get the love like you mean it video series.

Bob Lepine [00:36:02]:
And, yeah, those those are the resources that I hope will help couples figure out how to to demonstrate real love in their marriage.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:36:11]:
Right. And I I cannot express strongly enough how desperately I wanna tell you that are listening today how important this is. Don't put it off. Your kids are going to soccer. Your kids are in, you know, your home I've met homeschool moms that say, it's just not our time right now. My husband understands. No. He doesn't.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:36:30]:
Your marriage your husband your I mean, your marriage relationship is right next to your relationship with Christ. Malachi says, you you know, remember the wife of your youth that you will produce a godly seed. Time, months, weeks, years can go by with you meaning to fix your marriage or work on your marriage. Don't don't allow that. Start today with this amazing resource, and I love a family life. You can get the videos, which is also good too. Bob, will you pray for our marriages before we close today?

Bob Lepine [00:37:00]:
Yeah. I'd love and let me just reinforce what you said. If you if you put your marriage on the back burner and you just say, well, I'll just leave it there. Well, you know what happens to stuff that you put on the back burner and you don't pay attention to? It it burns up. The, you know, the pot gets destroyed. So you you have marriage maintenance, regular marriage maintenance for every couple, Not just younger couples, every couple. We gotta build it into what we do because it's a part of how we go the distance. So, yes, let's pray.

Bob Lepine [00:37:26]:
Father, thank you for the gift of marriage. Thank you for what it represents. It's a picture for everyone to see of, your love for us as your bride. And, Lord, we want that picture to be, what it needs to be in our culture, and we confess to you that oftentimes it's not. Lord, we thank you that there is grace for the moment and that you do pour out your grace on us. But I pray for everybody listening that they would understand your purpose for marriage, and they would be committed to your purpose for marriage. I pray that everyone would look at their spouse, husband and wife, and they would be able to say to each other, magnify the Lord with me. Let us exalt his name together in our marriage, and that that would be our purpose for our marriage.

Bob Lepine [00:38:10]:
Mhmm.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:38:10]:
And I

Bob Lepine [00:38:10]:
know there are there are some who are watching this and saying that's what I wish for and long for in my marriage, and it's just out there. And I don't know what to do, and I'm hurt, and I'm frustrated. There are some who are experiencing, great pain in their marriage. Lord, be the comforter that you have promised to be. Draw near and comfort them with your holy spirit. But I pray for healing, and I pray that they could be, the the wives that you've called them to be regardless of what's, going on with their husband for your glory. That they would they would love their husband so that, they would know that you're you're pleased with how they're doing what you've called them to do. Lord, strengthen us by your spirit.

Bob Lepine [00:38:52]:
Each of us, we pray in your name. Amen.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:38:54]:
Amen. Thanks so much. You guys, thanks for joining us. Share this. Like it. Subscribe. Share it with your friends. It's a great resource to help your your friends build a no regrets marriage.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:39:05]:
Thanks so much for being with us today, Bob.

Bob Lepine [00:39:07]:
Yeah. Great to be here.