Motherhood Matters-YOU Matter! MOMcon_Stoppe_Part 1 (19:50)

MOPs MomCon Part 1

Motherhood Matters - YOU Matter!

Billy Graham’s mother

Luke Smallbone’s Mum

Sibling Rivalry the one secret that changed everything!

Quote:

“If we celebrate their differences, they become best friends, and they celebrate each other’s differences.”

Foster/Adopted Mom - The influence of a few years

SEX - DRUGS - ROCK n ROLL

Insights…

How to talk to your son about SEX

Always use the phrase: “Husband & Wife in the Marriage Bed” 

(rather than man and woman/boy and girl.)

Word Picture: Pink Heart/Blue Heart 

The Number One Mother/Son Communication Secret you don’t want to miss!
  "Shoulder to Shoulder"

Pornography - How to equip your son to withstand the temptation/addiction

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TRANSCRIPT: Find complete transcript HERE

(00:00):

I'm gonna say that again. Motherhood matters. God has chosen us to influence this generation through motherhood because motherhood matters like really, really matters Down through history, the first teachers of men that God raised up in their generation were not scholars. They were their mothers. We are the makers of men, the architects of the next generation. Let that sit with you. Luke Smallbone of Fourth King and Country. Do you guys know them? Love the Smallbone family. He says this about his mom. I probably owe all that I am to my mom because when a man is loved by his mother, he can end up doing great things. And there's an amazing story of him and his mother in mom's raising sons to be men. And go to the next slide. Ruth Graham, who was the mother of Billy Graham, think of her influence on her culture. Every person who came to Jesus Christ because of Ruth Graham's influence on her son, Billy Graham, that's fruit of her work. Helen's Helen's Smallbone was Luke's mom. Every song you hear written, every worship note that he sings. Did you know she's also the mom of Rebecca St. James. Back in the olden days, there was a a singer hold Rebecca St. James <laugh> that's their sister. We don't know how God's gonna use us to influence our kids, but God knows, and he handpicked you to do it. Ruth Graham said to me, motherhood is the nicest, most rewarding job in the world. The second, the, I'm sorry, second importance to none.

(01:52):

Inspiring, terrifying <laugh>. Yes, but y

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

I'm gonna say that again. Motherhood matters. God has chosen us to influence this generation through motherhood because motherhood matters like really, really matters Down through history, the first teachers of men that God raised up in their generation were not scholars. They were their mothers. We are the makers of men, the architects of the next generation. Let that sit with you. Luke Smallbone of Fourth King and Country. Do you guys know them? Love the Smallbone family. He says this about his mom. I probably owe all that I am to my mom because when a man is loved by his mother, he can end up doing great things. And there's an amazing story of him and his mother in mom's raising sons to be men. And go to the next slide. Ruth Graham, who was the mother of Billy Graham, think of her influence on her culture. Every person who came to Jesus Christ because of Ruth Graham's influence on her son, Billy Graham, that's fruit of her work. Helen's Helen's Smallbone was Luke's mom. Every song you hear written, every worship note that he sings. Did you know she's also the mom of Rebecca St. James. Back in the olden days, there was a a singer hold Rebecca St. James<laugh>, uh, that's their sister. We don't know how God's gonna use us to influence our kids, but God knows, and he handpicked you to do it. Ruth Graham said to me, motherhood is the nicest, most rewarding job in the world. The second, the, I'm sorry, second importance to none. Inspiring, terrifying<laugh>. Yes, but you're not alone. Everyone say with me, I am not alone.<laugh>. And see, when we're looking at everybody on social media and they've got their Etsy store and they're making dresses outta pillow cases that they're selling and they're making meals that are all keto friendly, and you're in the same yoga pants and the messy bun that you've had for five days and, and they are like completely. And you're like, I feel completely alone that I'm the only one that can't wrap my arms around this mom thing. You're not alone. I'm gonna go through some practical boy mom stuff. Let's do that. So these are my boys. This is Tony and this is Brandon. Tony is, uh, lieutenant colonel in the Air Force Fighter pilot, uh, F 22. That's the Raptor. If you know anything about it, that's a real big deal. Um, and Tony didn't come to our family till he was 15 years old and he needed a mama. And God chose me to be his mom. And there's a story that I love to tell. When he moved in with us, Steve became his dad right away, but he had a mom. And so I didn't wanna just overstep and you know, mother him, but he got sick with pneumonia and I had to nurse him back to health. And I became that boy's mom when he was at his sickest. And my son Brandon, he's a worship pastor, actually a big valley, grace. And if some of you guys are here in Modesto, California, he was at the Grove Community Church in Riverside. Before that, he toured with Matthew West and casting Crown. And he has had some really fun ex experiences. Um, but they couldn't have been more different. And let's talk about sibling rivalries. So when Tony moved in with us, you know, when they're, when kids are not loved well by their biological parents, they either become overachievers or underachievers. And this is my overachiever, he can just fly jets. He flew the Raptor. Um, he was valedictorian student body president. He was a football player, rough and tumble guy. Um, and when Brandon, who is my musician and plays Legos, when Tony moved in, he was trying to rough up Brandon and he was trying to get him to play football and, you know, trying to, and I, we had to pull Tony aside and we had to say, we love who you are, but Brandon's not you. And we don't want Brandon to be you. Because a lot of times our kids, if if they think we're trying to make them like their sibling, then what happens? But if we celebrate their differences, they become, that's Brandon's wedding. Tony was his best man in his wedding. They become best friends and they celebrate each other's differences. There's an interesting video. It was a dis documentary that I watched when my kids were little and it was talking about sibling rivalry and fighting between each other. And what it showed was these kids that would go in a room, just brother and sister or you know, two siblings play together, happily mom would come in and sit down and they would start bickering and they would start taking the TOF toy from each other. Mom and mom would get involved. As soon as mom left the room, they stopped over and over again with sibling sets that happened. And what I wish I knew, I could find this documentary, it was before the worldwide web, so I don't know how to Google it,<laugh>, but what this documentary was saying was, kids wanna bait you in because it's a game. And they win a point when you decide with that one and when you side with that one. And I was doing that with my younger two. They were bickering and I would get in the who had it first, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then you're exasperated and they go on their merry way. And I learned from this video, don't do that. So I sat my kids down and I said, okay, mommy's made a mistake because my youngest two were two years, two months apart. So they were, you know, real close. I said, I have been involved in, in trying to help you guys work this out and I'm not gonna do that anymore. So you either figure it out or I'm gonna take the toy away. I don't care who took it. I don't care who's it was. I don't, I'm not gonna be judging jury. You work it out, life changing, life changing, but you have to follow through. So, you know, first time it happens, I'm like, you guys, I said, work it out and I would take it away. And I, when do we get it back? I don't know if you'll ever get it back. Peace reigned in our home<laugh>. And I got to where I would hear them upstairs and because my husband added onto our house and all of a sudden there was like room for us to breathe. Um, and I'd be like, work it out. And I would hear them go, sh she's gonna take it. She's gonna take<laugh>, work it out. You have to be consistent though. And I do it with my grandkids. Now I have 15 grandchildren and I do that with my grandkids. Did I have a picture of my family? Yeah, it's my babe is and I just will say, work it out. Aren't they cute? They're so cute. Okay, I Grandparenting is a, is an obsessive compulsive disorder.<laugh>. I love it so much. Um, yeah, actually, so that Tony and Kyleen live in Hawaii. This is their family on the far right. And you know, Tony says there's a quote in mom's raising sons to be a man. He says, um, the time I spent with my family, I know that God ordained that to teach me how to be a loving, godly father and husband. He was only 15, it's only a few short years, but it made a difference. You may be a stepmom of an adolescent who can't stand you. You just keep loving that kid. You just keep showing them the love of Jesus. You just keep praying for them and you live the light of Christ. And God's grace is irresistible. I'm speaking at a grandparenting summit this next month. You know, any grandparents, they're, they're doing a simulcast of it, but you can also go to Florida and do it in person. So, um, Steve and I are going, and then from Florida, we're gonna go to The Bahamas. It's our anniversary, 41 years. And um, so we're gonna go run off and do that. But Jim Burns that spoke last night, uh, on adult children raising adult children, he's speaking at that too. So, um, anyway, let's talk about sex, drugs, and rock and roll. Shall we<laugh> drugs? So when Brandon was an adolescent, oh, I, this was, well this is the real life romance we'll talk about. We'll leave that on there cuz we're gonna talk about sex. Um, these are my kids. That's Kayla Esteban and that's Brandon and Jesse. And that's Meredith and Jake and then Tony and Ky Eileen. I didn't, I couldn't find their wedding picture fast enough, so I didn't do it.<laugh>. Um, it's a great love story though. Uh, I lost my thought. Oh, sex, drugs and rock and roll. Um, so first we're gonna talk about drugs. Okay? When Brandon was an adolescent and Brandon was like, mom's boy, like my guy, like my, I'd take a nap and my girls would go, oh, you slept again. And my son would be like, you sleep good Mama<laugh>. Yeah buddy, thank you.<laugh> my guy. And Steve was in youth ministry. So I had watched adolescent boys push their mother away and I'd be like, not mm-hmm. Not my guy we're good. And when he started pushing me away, I was kind of deeply wounded. And there's a, there's a audio back there and it's called, uh, insights into Adolescence. Brandon and I speak at mom's things. We spoke at um, mo mother, son retreat at Mo Mount Hermann and Brandon did the worship and I talked, which was super fun. And he talked to the moms and he is like, when your son starts pushing you away at that age, he goes, I remember when my mom stopped crying. I knew I had lost control. I was a punk. And I'm like, you were a punk<laugh>. But when he started having all those mood things, I remember saying, Brandon, don't smoke a joint because you will feel better if you take one of those joints that your friends are smoking. It's gonna make you feel better for now. It's gonna take all that rage. And he wasn't a raging person, he was quiet, he would just go. Um, but it's gonna make it all go away for a season. But you're gonna grow up and not know how to process anger. You're gonna not how to process these feelings that you're growing into a man. And I remember debating if I wanted to even bring it up because we don't, if we talk about drugs, then they might, it puts the idea in their head, guess what? It's all around them. So helping them, you know, I pointed out a person in our, in our ministry that has a hard time with his anger. And I said that's because he just stopped smoking pot at 40 years old. And all his life he has suppressed all of these feelings that now he's trying to figure out how to process. So having the, the courageous conversations with your kids about drugs is important. So here's the other thing is we have to be the ones that talk to our sons and our daughters about sexual purity. If you don't talk to your son about it, he will find out, he'll Google it, his friends will show him porn, he'll find it wherever else that you really would rather it come through your biblical worldview. And when Brandon was in fifth grade, I remember he stayed home from school one day. We lived in Texas at the time. We had planted a church in Lake Way out by Austin, Texas. Um, and by the way, we loved Texas. We came back to California crying all the way because God called us back here. But you know what, we're called to Cali. And if you're thinking about leaving, that's between you and the Lord. But we need you. If you're from California, we need your light. We need you to be a missionary here. So that's just a little commercial for Jesus<laugh>. Anyway, so Brandon was at public school. That was the other thing I knew when we moved back to California, I was gonna have to homeschool my youngest two. And I, I'm not the homeschool lady, I, it's kind of an imposition. I'ma come<laugh>, but the schools where we were moving were terrible. So I knew I had to do that. But when we were in Texas, we had a public school and the kids went and everybody still says, yes ma'am. And yes sir, it's awesome. Um, anyway, Brandon stayed home one day and it was actually the day I found out from him later they were gonna talk about sex. And apparently he didn't wanna be there for that, so he didn't go. But he asked me, mom, what's sex? And I'm like, dude, uh, so Steve and I have an agreement. I talked to the girls, you talked to the boys. And, and he said, well, you know, just tell me. So I kind of danced around it and then I like put on on my big girl pants and I'm like, okay. And I gave him the, the sex talk as if I were a junior high, uh, biology teacher. I talked to tons of teens about sex, but this is my sweet little boy. Um, and he got it. And then he said, so why do people have sex when they don't wanna make a baby? I'm like, dang it<laugh>, someone in our youth group had gotten pregnant and he wanted to know, well how would that, why would you do that if you knew that was gonna happen? So I had to talk about the pleasure of it and I did. And I talked about, and here's the thing, when you're talking to your son about sex or your daughter, husband and wife, when husband and wife come together, x, y, z don't say men and women don't say guys and girls say when a husband and wife comes together in the marriage bed. So from a young age, put those ideas that is sex is awesome when it's not attached with shame or fear being found out or consequence, God created it to be awesome in the bonds of marriage. So you talk to your little guy and say, when a husband and wife come together, God uses sex to seal their covenant with one another. And here's just a little side note, when a husband and wife come together in the marriage bed, you know the Bible says don't forsake that because that's what God does to remind us of our covenant with each other. I was speaking at a homeschool convention and one mom's like, oh, we just don't have time right now because I'm homeschooling and he gets it and I got, I kid you not that orange book back there has it All you want is sex. When he longs to romance, husbands would pick up that book and buy it every time. The wives are like, he understands I'm busy. No, that is gives place to the devil. You need to make yourself available to your spouse if you're married and we can talk. That's why a Christian woman's guide to great sex and marriage is back there. So I explained all that to Brandon and I said, you know, sometimes guys just wanna conquer a girl and they'll just have sex with her because they think once I have her I'm gonna water forever. And then as soon as they've had sex with her, they're not interested anymore. God created them to have that. And that's God's way of him drawing a woman to put her name on his checkbook to make her part of his world like I gotta have you. But once the girl has sex with the, sorry, when once the one, the young girl has sex with the young boy, the boy loses interest and moves on. But the girls, the way they think right, is I am gonna be yours forever. I, if I give my body to him, he is never gonna leave me. I am gonna be his forever. And a lot of times when I speak at youth things, I'll, you know, pink heart, blue heart, glue him together and then peel him apart. What happens? There's a little blue blue on this one. Little bit of pink on that one because when you give your body to someone, you give a piece of yourself away. So I said, you know, if Brandon don't be the kind of guy that pursues a woman to take advantage of her sexually. And I said, and there's a girl out there cry that God's saving for you, pray for her to be sexually pure and to wait for you. And I said, do you wanna pray? And he said, yeah, he's 10 years old. So we start praying and he prayed, you know, help me to be pure and help my wife to save herself for me. And then he said this, and God please help no men to use my sister's for sex.

Speaker 2: 14:56

God, he got it.

Speaker 1: 14:59

Sometimes we think it has to come from a man, but Brandon got a woman's perspective. And then of course this was before texting. So I had to wait for my husband to come home and I'm like, dude, we had that talk, that talk, me and Brandon had the talk and I left and they had the man talk of it. I still dunno what they talked about and I'm good with that.<laugh>

Speaker 2: 15:18

<laugh>.

Speaker 1: 15:25

But motherhood is messy. And oh, you know what? Okay, you can keep that up, but I have to tell some, a couple more stories. So Tony, he moves in with us, he's 15 years old and I wanna be his mom and I wanna talk to him about sex and I wanna talk to him about purity and I wanna talk to him about all those things, but I don't wanna be that creepy lady that just pounces on him. So, you know, men's talks shoulder to shoulder. So when your little boy starts pushing you away and you've been in his face like this for 10 years, when he starts pushing you away, it's cuz he wants you to respect him as a man. So Tony had a jeep that he would work on at night in the driveway at our house cuz it's Texas, it's super hot outside. So at night he would, and I would just sit in the Jeep and talk to him about girls, ask him questions about his hopes and dreams to be a fighter pilot, talk to him about girls, talk to him about his desire to go to a and m University, which he did. There you go, I knew it. No, you're in here. And he did, and I talked to him about girls. But if I would've sat that young man across from me and said, we're gonna talk about sex and we're gonna talk about girls, he'd have been like, okay. And he wouldn't have said a word, but because I followed him out there and hung out with him and spent time with him. So you find ways to have conversations with your young men in a way that honors them and not wagging a finger talking about pornography. And I know they're talking in some of these other about social media and stuff, but I'm not even gonna give you all the statistics. You know, that pornography is out there to steal, kill, and destroy your sweet little boy. And there's a, a love story in real life romance about Chuck and Angie. And they got married. Chuck was raised in a Christian home and in his junior high mind, he decided he would use pornography to keep himself pure until he got married. So they both were virgins when they got married, but he fully intended to put it away and he couldn't because anyone, you know what? You feed your flesh, your flesh craves. And so finally Angie realized, you know, he just doesn't want me in the marriage bed like I had expected. And she stumbled on the computer and found whatever it was. And so she confronted him about it and he cried and asked for forgiveness. And if your husband's dealing with that, let me just tell you something, he may have been that little boy that opened a door and just like when you wanna lose a few pounds after the baby and you ask your husband, Hey, will you help me lose weight? And he's like, sure, let's go walk in, let's eat better. You're like, alright. And then one night you're like in front of the freezer eating the bin and Jerry's, you know, the cherries Garcia and he's the, the, the glow of the light. And he walks by and he's gonna help you not get fat. And he goes, Moo, You did not move me<laugh>. I'm going in the closet to eat the Twinkies, but we think we can shame our husbands away from a computer screen or our sons. We think we can say, you ain't getting this till you stop doing that. And we think if we shame them enough that they will stop and it doesn't work. It is a hold on a generation of young men. It is a spiritual warfare and you will not be able to disrespect your husband or your son away from a screen if he has been addicted to it. So what Chuck and Angie did after much time going through all of that, they got help Godly mentors and they found people that had walked through that. If you go to focus on the family, which is where they went, you go to my website, I have a pla a link where you can get counselors that focus on the family. You'll get a free one-on-one consultation and you can get help. Um, if your spouse does not want to get help, please don't raise your hand in the church prayer meeting and say, can you pray for my husband or my son? But you get help for you because here's the thing, this is what's, what's, uh, Angie said, and it made so much sense. She said, it wasn't until I realized that my sin of resenting Chuck was just as ugly and addictive as his sin of addiction to pornography. When I realized that I was able to repent, ask God to forgive me, and then my prayers were powerful to change my husband. See the Bible says, the effectual fervent prayer of a righteous one accomplishes much. But when you're resentful, when you're angry, when you're fearful, when you're mad, your prayers bounce right off that ceiling. You can't pray powerfully for your spouse, for your marriage, for your children. And love that story. And that was Angie's insight and I love that they let me share that story.